Simply Amazing...

While writing lesson plans tonight that I'm hoping to do in collaboration with our art teacher, I came across the most amazing piece I've ever seen.  It's EXACTLY how I've felt.  Thinking it might speak to someone else's heart as well, I wanted to share.  Grab the tissues, and share.  Here's the link where the image was displayed:  http://evenifministries.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/410/.

Created by Martin Hudáček

Updates...

I thought I'd re-post the questions and update with information I've learned.  Not everything has been answered yet, but I did receive a HUGE lot of materials today from SCI and we are working thru them to begin the process of applying for the medical visa.  With that, here's what I know for now...

1. When you say that we will "need to come to India to sign the contracts" you don't mean before June 12th, right?  You aren't saying that we'd have to make a trip overseas to sign contracts, come home, wait a few months, and come back for the procedure - are you?    No, we don't have to come to India to sign the contracts.  The contracts have to be signed by the Indian parties in India and then we sign them here and send them along with our medical visa application. 
   
2. Have people been having problems getting approved for the medical visa?  What kind of time-frame do we need for approval?  People have been getting an approval within a 10 day to 2 week period.  This is about the same as the wait we had for the tourist visa.  It looks like it will cost us each about $156 to do this application.  We did make the independent decision to go ahead and get a medical visa for both Harris and myself just in case. 
3. How soon do we sign with the surrogate?  AND, what happens if that surrogate doesn't work out in the process and we have to change?  That's happened 2 times already...are we out of luck and unable to do the process?  OR, do we just sign a new contract and keep moving forward with the process?  The contract will be drawn up with a surrogate who might be the one we use.  But, if something happens like she starts bleeding or there is a problem of some kind, we are in no way locked into that situation.  We can alter the contract after we get to India as needed to fit the situation. 
4. Do we have to have our medical visa in hand BEFORE we buy our plane tickets and book the hotel room?  I can't remember this from the first time we did this, and I don't know if the new law has changed any regulations in this way.  I don't for sure have confirmation of this from SCI, but I have looked back at my records and I see that when we first traveled in December 2011, I did not have the visa in hand.  Due to that, I believe that I can go ahead and book the hotel and flights whenever the price is right.  It looks like I'll just have to show that visa at the airport and in Customs/Immigration.
5. In the "citizen eligibility letter" note, do you mean that we have to contact our Embassy now for that letter?  How does that work?  (**This was the information that said we'd have to contact the Embassy and make sure that a baby born abroad from surrogacy would be eligible for citizenship.**)  Not sure on this one yet...still reading thru the documents sent today - will update it soon!

ALSO:  I can have a Power of Attorney drawn up for Harris and take it with me to India.  This will allow me to legally sign the document with the surrogate and clinic for both of us.  I thought that was very important to share!

Square One, is that you?!?!

Wow, that new law from last Summer has really screwed with every aspect of the surrogacy process!  It seems like we are having to do every single thing over from the beginning just like we did when we first did this process...um, well, it seems like that because we are. 

We are once again asking the basic questions about timing, paperwork, and medicines which held our thoughts captive every moment the first time we did the process.  So, again, we're wondering how and if this is going to work.  How in the world is everyone getting all of the paperwork done in the wake of the new law??? 

The laughter, that has to inevitably arise in times of massive stress, stems from the fact that I'm also cycling off of my anxiety medication right now.  So, below I'm listing the questions we're asking (as American Citizens), and I will post the answers I get in hopes that it can help others hoping to do this process as well.  I know Dr. Shivani's staff will totally help guide us thru the process, but again, I feel like we're starting totally over. 

So here are some of the questions we've come up with (so far):

1. When you say that we will "need to come to India to sign the contracts" you don't mean before June 12th, right?  You aren't saying that we'd have to make a trip overseas to sign contracts, come home, wait a few months, and come back for the procedure - are you? 
   
2. Have people been having problems getting approved for the medical visa?  What kind of time-frame do we need for approval?
3. How soon do we sign with the surrogate?  AND, what happens if that surrogate doesn't work out in the process and we have to change?  That's happened 2 times already...are we out of luck and unable to do the process?  OR, do we just sign a new contract and keep moving forward with the process?
4. Do we have to have our medical visa in hand BEFORE we buy our plane tickets and book the hotel room?  I can't remember this from the first time we did this, and I don't know if the new law has changed any regulations in this way.
5. In the "citizen eligibility letter" note, do you mean that we have to contact our Embassy now for that letter?  How does that work?  (**This was the information that said we'd have to contact the Embassy and make sure that a baby born abroad from surrogacy would be eligible for citizenship.**)

Taking a Day Away...

Wednesday would've been the day when we arrived in India for baby pick-up.  To be honest, for the last few weeks, I've had both dreams and nightmares about phantom babies.  Each time, the dreams are short and I usually wake up with a start and just lie there shocked and sad.  But, a couple of times, I've dreamed of a little girl and when I would wake up, I could actually still smell that new baby scent - the mixture of diaper cream and baby powder.  I swear that I actually could feel little fingers in that dream.  Crazy, right?  Pathetic, probably?  I have given myself the pep talks and the suck-it-up talks over and over for the last month. 

Finally, I gave in and decided to take Wednesday off from work to allow myself to grieve for what wasn't and allow myself to just feel whatever I felt.  Harris took off from work as well and we spent most of the day together.  We didn't do anything to special - went for a drive, listened to the radio, he got a haircut, we had dinner at Moe's, and we just spent time together.  It was nice.

Visa'd!

Received word thru email Friday that Carrie's visa had been approved and would be send back this coming week!  One step closer!

With that in hand, we can now book hotels and flights for June!  Ya-hoo!  We're looking to leave either the 8th, 9th, or 10th of June, depending on what kind of deals I can get on airfare.  I'm looking at the Hilton New Garden Inn, where I stayed last summer, or Svelte.  Both are good options, and I'll be thrilled when I have a room secured in either one.

Ba-da-bing, Ba-da-boom...

Yes, sadly that is the best title I could come up with after an 11 hour day at school today.  Whoosh, I'm beat.  But, I did want to post an update on the progress we're making in getting my sister ready for India. 

She is still all in, despite having been poked and prodded by various strangers over the last few weeks.  So far, she has gone for the first round of vaccinations, gotten her passport, and turned that over to us for the visa application today.  Harris ran it up to FedEx this afternoon and it should be to the Embassy tomorrow sometime before 5:30.  There's also a place that was able to do the STD and HIV testing for free for her since she doesn't currently have insurance.  She also went to get her pap smear done and it came back with some abnormal cell growth so we're going to do a second one after a normal cycle so that we can see if things have cleared up.  There were a couple of things that could have triggered a false alarm there, and we aren't worried yet. 

Carrie is scheduled for her 2nd set of shots on March 4th, and then will head in for another pap smear somewhere around the 27th of March.  So, the biggest 2 issues we have facing us right now is where to get her Hep B test done, and where to get the water ultrasound done.  She doesn't have insurance, and we're trying to figure out how to get both of these done for the lowest price possible.  If anyone has any ideas, I'd appreciate any suggestions!

2 Steps Forward...

Nothing about infertility is ever going to be described as "easy" for us.  It just seems written in the cards that every twist and turn imaginable, both good and bad, lays in wait for us to make the next call in our journey.  When we found out that the frozen transfer was a no-go for Harris and I, we really struggled to not only get over the negative, but also to make a decision as to how to move forward.  Should we stop with surrogacy?  Should we do another frozen transfer with only 2 more embryos to use?  Would another fresh cycle be worth the time and investment of the last of our savings from the baby fund?  Or, should we move ahead with adoption where we know that we'd end up with a child?  

The real question that ended our discussions and decided our course of action was this:  If we stopped right now and went with adoption, could we be okay with giving up on ever having a person on the planet who looked like us and shared our combined genetic material?  The answer, for us, was no.  We couldn't do less than give everything we had to try and make this happen.  That was the bottom line for us.  

So, it looks like I will spend yet another June in India.  But, in the true style that is our twist-and-turn journey, I won't be going alone.  My sister will be coming with me...to act as a second surrogate for us.  We made the decision to be "all in" this time and tell my sister about what we've been through.  Other than my mother, nobody in my family or Harris' family knows anything about our situation.  Knowing that the money will be totally gone, and that we might have to come to terms with never ever ever having people on the planet that look like us as children, we made the decision to tell my little (7 years younger) sister and ask her about being our second surrogate.  We went to my mom's house last week when Carrie and her fiance Mike were both there.  We all sat in the living room, mom included, and Harris started at the beginning with them.  He talked while I cried silently and just tried to keep from sobbing while he told them about the years of treatments, the 1st and 2nd miscarriages, and our last miscarriage of the twins this Fall.  My sister was shocked at what we were telling her - largely in part because she has very firm ideas of who we are and the information she was receiving didn't match with her who she thought we were.  She cried, and then she told us that she had known something was wrong but hadn't felt comfortable asking.  With no hesitation at all she said she absolutely would go and try for us.  Her fiance said he was all about trying to help people, and wanted this to happen for us.  We appreciated that but told them both to take some time to try and live in that possibility for a few days before totally committing.  They are planning to get married in October and, hoping this would work, she'd be almost 4 months months pregnant with her sister and brother-in-law's child.  For Mike's Catholic family, this might be a bit um, well, hinky.

Carrie did ask me what she needed to start doing because she wanted to get moving.  I gave her a list that had "stop smoking" at the top of the page, and she quit cold-turkey the next day.  It was a rough week for her, but she's also committed to eating better, and moving more over the next few months.  She has gone and been tested for HIV, STDs, Hep A, Hep C, and started getting the necessary shots for the trip.  She had an appointment with the health department for a pap smear and syphilis testing so that they would prescribe the necessary birth control pills for her cycle to line up with mine.  An application for her passport was mailed out on Tuesday after we told her on Sunday.  So, all in all, it looks like she is really serious and willing to do this.  I can't believe it - I don't understand it - and I am totally humbled beyond belief that she'd even consider what we've asked of her. 

Nonetheless, I continue moving forward with the plans, hoping that this will happen for us this time.  Oh, and since I'm going back to cycle, I have to go off my anxiety medicine in February.  I'm not thrilled about that, and worry that the chronic insomnia and anxiety attacks will come back.  I'm going to the doctor on Tuesday to see if there's something that's safe for me to take during the process.  If not, I'll find a way to cope.  So, that's where we are.  For those of you who have prayed for us in the past, please continue to keep us in your prayers.  Specifically I would ask that you pray our surrogates will become pregnant with our child(ren), have a boring and routine pregnancy, and deliver a healthy normal child(ren) next February or March.