Same Coin, Different Sides...

Ramblings from my cluttered mind...

In the midst of all that's been going on, I've thought a lot about how things seem to suddenly turn on a dime.  Honestly, it seems like sometimes all of the metaphors that accompany some of life's adventures are aptly suited to be compared to money as they often are linked hand in hand with money.  For instance, despite our losses, I can be ecstatic about my friend's pregnancy carrying her twins and plan to fly up for her baby shower this weekend.  I can feel both sad and happy at the same time - same coin, different side.  There's also the way that we are able to think about moving forward with the remaining 4 embryos but wonder if it's really a gamble to use all 4 now, despite the fact that this would be our last shot for a while most likely - kind of like flipping a coin to decide on implanting 2 vs. 4 (heads = 2?).  Finally, there's the actual money part of it.  Our coins in this process have all been willingly handed over in the name of trying to have our biological child.  We choose not to update our home, replace our cars, or buy a new tv in the event that we might need to hold onto those pennies, nickels, and dimes for the sake of another pregnancy. 

So, where are we?  Well, we are here.  We are okay.  We are trying to make plans to move forward.  Harris and I are waiting to hear from someone at SCI about the different price that we'd pay for just doing a frozen embryo transfer.  Plus, we're also waiting to see how our surrogate is doing and if she'd be interested in the *possibility* of doing another round for us.  Are we sure we want to use her again?  No.  But, at the same time, she got pregnant and there was nothing that happened for her to have lost the pregnancy.  It's something we're considering.  We're also thinking about what will be the most ideal timing for this cycle because I do NOT want to receive a phone call on a school day again where I have to deal with the day and the children if it's bad news.  Understanding that there is nothing within our control in this entire process beyond the initial decisions, I'd still like to try and plan as best as possible. 

Another question that Harris and I have been tossing around has to do with whether or not a frozen transfer is the best idea for us because, frankly, I'm becoming less of a spring chicken every year.  What if this doesn't work?  We won't have the money to do this again for a while and should we try to do another retrieval so that there are embryos banked over there?  What kind of price difference are we looking at?  Is there really that much difference between the cost of a FET vs. a fresh cycle?  These are the things that run thru my mind, and I hope to have answers for very soon.  As for Harris' swimmers-on-ice over there, the storage fee is coming up soon - December, to be precise.  If we did a fresh cycle over there, maybe it would be best to consider the storage fee ($500/yr) in our overall costs.  Having fertilized embryos that we pay to store is one thing, but having only one component that we're paying to store is different somehow in my mind...I can't explain that one, but it is just different. 

So, in conclusion, we're getting on with living.  We're hanging in there, and making the days pass as efficiently and positively as we're able.  To quote one of my all time favorite films (Sleepless in Seattle), "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

Hopefully, that day will come soon in the form of another BFP celebration that's followed by the most boring 8 months possible, and concludes with a celebration of life heard around the world as we FINALLY get our baby.  

Something to look forward to...

Kerotyping results were returned and showed no abnormalities of any kind with the tissue recovered from the D&C procedure.  On one hand, we're relieved that there was nothing which would indicate further problems in the future for pregnancies.  But, and this is a whopper of a but, what the heck happened?  For crying out loud, don't we deserve an answer?!?!  What in the world has kept us from continuing in the pregnancies (any of the 3) prior to the end of the first trimester?  Why do things just go from great to nothing with no explanation?!?!

Beyond that, where does that leave us in the process?  We still have the 4 embryos, and we want to try again with surrogacy since they're there.  Honestly, we're just scared.  Neither of us are happy about the thought of another cycle right now, but we're also not thrilled with the idea of not doing another round.  In our hearts we both believe that we're supposed to be parents to our own biological child.  We're not suffering from egg quality issues, and the ICSI process eliminates any issue with Harris' sperm, so why do things not come to a successful completion?

As you can tell, we're also still mucking our way thru the grieving process.  Maybe we should be "over it" by now.  It's proving harder than we thought to find closure on that loss.  I did go to my MD and have him prescribe an anti-anxiety medication for at least the next little while until things somewhat return to a normal state for us (as our "normal" is a far cry from the "normal" others experience).  I resisted it, but then I thought - nah, screw it, I need the help.  Apparently Harris thought so too because he took the day off and insisted on driving me to the appointment, the entire time mumbling something under his breath about wanting his wife back and being out of Kleenex.  Hmm, and I thought I was keeping such a brave face - ha ha! 

On a final note, my cousin died last week after a short and intense battle with cancer.  By the time they discovered it, the tumors were thru her entire body and she only lived about a month.  She was barely 50, and so close to her family that her only regret would be not getting to spend more time with them.  She had truly lived the life she wanted, and that point was shared by all who spoke at her funeral.  What a powerful statement.  How many people really get to do that in life???  While it was the hardest funeral I'd ever been to (because I was grieving two losses in addition to that one), it also made me start thinking about where we are in our lives right now.  Things I've been putting on hold - like grad school, replacing my 15 year old car, and traveling to places that aren't India - suddenly shifted back into focus.  I love my husband, and I love our life together with the one exception of the child-free living situation.  I don't want to lose the intimacy of our life together for the sake of trying to create a life together.  Does that make sense?  We have to make plans for something that doesn't revolve around making babies or traveling to get what we need to make babies, etc.

In that spirit, I am going to work on plans for a trip somewhere that has clear water, palm trees, and drinks served in coconut shells with little umbrellas.  I think we both desperately need to get away and ESCAPE from it all.  In the meantime, I'm feeling up just looking thru the places on the beach in faraway lands.  I can almost feel the sunshine on my face now...and this is the song in my head.

Lifelines...

I've started writing blog posts several times over the last 10 days, but nothing I started ever seemed to get finished.  Maybe that's how it goes sometimes when you're grieving?  Harris and I are still grieving the loss of our 2 little ones, but we are working and trying to hold it together as much as possible.  There are moments, like tonight at Bible study when the leader prayed that God help us to remember that His plan is perfect, where I want to rage and scream because I've recently had a heart to heart with God that said just the opposite.  Or, moments when a friend tells you (in the midst of same Bible study) that her daughter miscarried over the weekend - BEYOND hard not to tear up in that moment.    Nothing about this loss has been easy, and I can't sugar-coat it just to make it seem like we're doing well with everything.  In fact, we're not always doing well with it.  Sometimes we're downright furious/broken/terrified/lost in the wake of recent events.

Remember that our other 2 miscarriages were not pregnancies that we knew about until I was losing them - there wasn't the same amount of time to bond and celebrate little milestones like the arrival of eyelids or elbows.  That said, I wanted to share a few things that are helping on our journey to heal this time around. 

• Emails from others in blogland with phone numbers and offers to call them to talk if I need to.  That's beyond-words generous in spirit, and I am so humbled by the willingness to let someone call you just to cry or yell or whatever.  It's a rare gift to have people who are open to being that vulnerable with you.  THANK YOU!

• Words from a friend who, in the midst of her own emotional rollercoaster, somehow made time to email words of compassion to me along with her new cell phone number attached - how in the world did she manage to find time and strength to comfort me when she's dealing with so much herself???  You continue to amaze me, and we will see you all next month when we get up to VA!

• Friends met thru surrogacy in real life who I feel a connection with so deeply that it's my honor to be a part of their lives.  To have lost a child yourself, handled it with such abiding grace and respect, and be willing to share that tender bit of your heart with me is more than I would have ever asked.  I can only hope for Harris and I to come thru this with a fraction of the grace you've shown.  Ethan is truly a lucky little boy to have the two of you!

• The comment that struck me in both the heart and the head from that last post:  "Make yourselves do something each day which you enjoy, though I expect you may feel like punishing yourselves, try to limit that."  Never, in my entire life, had anyone pointed out to me that the things I do to deal with grief are punishments I impose upon myself.  I have always known that I carried blame for things around me - what child from a dysfunctional home doesn't - but to have someone actually say that...wow!  It was truly freeing, and I actually was able to put somethings together in my mind, and more importantly my heart.  This really is NOT my fault.  This just simply, is.  Thank you for saying that - it's because of that comment that I really feel like I am grieving now instead of wallowing in guilt and punishing myself for this loss.  You will be happy to know that I have slept, watched mind-free tv, read a book about acrylic painting, started a new novel and looked at painting classes in my area.  I am trying to be kind to myself!!!

• Music has also helped.  I've always been more likely to watch a movie or read a book than listen to music.  But, there have been a few songs that have been marking my transition thru grief stages.  Obviously, I started out with Louis Armstrong's "Nobody Knows" (because I still have a sense of humor buried deep inside somewhere).  Now, I've moved on to "Let It Hurt" from Rascal Flatts, and soon I hope to be all the way to Fun's "Carry On" because I do recognize that little glimmer up ahead as the light at the end of the tunnel.  

THANKS FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!  They are truly a great comfort to both Harris and I as we continue trying to heal because we know we're not alone.  

We may be down, but we're not out...

What doesn't kill you...

SHOULD in theory make you stronger, right?  Well, after a couple of days wishing the earth actually could open up and swallow me, I'm now just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Monday was the WORST first day of school ever recorded in the history of first days of school, I'm convinced.  So long as the kids were in the room and I could move thru my checklists for rules and procedures, I was okay.  In the quiet moments while they were at PE, in the cafeteria, or at recess, I totally lost it over and over again.  All I could do was cry as quietly as possible at my desk.  By the end of that first day, I practically shoved people out of the way to get to my car so I could go home.  Harris called me on the way, and I couldn't even choke out the words.  Just bursts of sobs I was trying to choke back which would come out instead of "I'm on the way home" or "I love you". 

Tuesday was pretty much a repeat of Monday.  I found that my sense of time was thrown off all week and I couldn't keep track of what day it was.  My board was actually written with Wednesday's assignments on Thursday, and I missed sending notices home to parents all week long.  I can't seem to keep a thought in my head for longer than an nano-second before it's gone.  Oh, and the best is that when I get up and go to do something, I get there (wherever "there" is) and either have forgotten what I'm in there for OR see something that is also in need of doing and complete that new task rather than the one I went in there for. 

I have sent some inquiries to SCI about remaining funds - only 10,000 INR are left once all the costs are paid out.  I've also asked about the possibility of using the same surrogate again - don't know, she has to go thru a normal period first and they'll have to evaluate whether she's interested/able to do it again.  We also asked about having the tissue from the pregnancy tested, and that is being done and results should be back in 3 weeks' time.  I'm hoping that anything which is revealed from those tests can explain what happened.  Our surrogate had no problems, nothing out of the ordinary - in fact, apparently everyone (including the doctors) were astonished that the heartbeats had disappeared. 

We're left now with 3 days at home over this "holiday" weekend - which feels much more like a bereavement leave to us.  How in the world are we going to get thru 3 days with NOTHING on the calendar to occupy our minds and hands? 

In all seriousness, I am thinking about taking my doctor's offer for a prescription of Xanax to help take the edge off for a while.  Is that a cop out?  Neither of us have ever actually known we were pregnant before a miscarriage in the past.  This loss, double loss, is twisting our hearts and souls.  The only thing I can compare it to is the loss I felt when my grandmother (who raised me) died a few years ago.  It's amazing the depth of loss you can have for people who were never born. 

7:52

As I sat at my desk this morning at 7:52, my phone rang.  We all know what that means.  I had 14 parents and children outside my door, a school lobby packed to overflowing, and nowhere to hide.  My phone rang thru to voicemail, but again, I knew it wasn't good news.  I got my students in, had them get started on a paper, and read the email titled, "We're Sorry" at my desk praying all the while that I could keep it together.  No heartbeats.  D&C done this morning. 

So long as I kept moving constantly, I could keep from thinking about it.  I made it thru the day, put on my sunglasses, and flew out the door with keys in hand as soon as I put my last student on a bus. 

The challenge now is just to find a way to keep moving. 

All over the place...

My latest obsession - the Baby Elephant collection from The White Store!

 

We are so excited about the *bonus* baby news!  Thoughts about two babies seem to find their way into every part of my day.  I'm sitting in a meeting talking about new school board policies, and I suddenly tear up because I'm realizing that one day I might actually have that "first day of school" picture.  Or, I'm in the grocery store walking from the potato chip aisle over to the paper towel aisle, and I find myself slowly going down the baby food aisle.  There's also the random conversation where I tell Harris our daughter's name (because I'm convinced it's either 1 of each or 2 girls).  Then, when I finished the last book on my Kindle, I headed to the parenting section almost like a compulsion to find something that I needed to read up on...I didn't care what it was, just wanted it to be about parenting.  Oh, and I can't even turn into a shopping center with one of those baby boutiques.  I'd be bankrupt!

Then, there are also the other thoughts that run thru my mind when doing these things.  You know those thoughts - the warnings to NOT do something because it might jinx the situation.  There's also the ones where I urge myself to not daydream into the future because it might not happen, and if we lost the pregnancy I'd be too attached to make it thru without having a nervous breakdown this time I swear.  Oh, and the thoughts that race thru my head at warp speed when my head hits the pillow (and I don't fall asleep even with a sleeping pill) like wondering how we'll tell people, wondering if I'll be able to get a good sub for my classroom and when I need to tell my principal and how hurt my MIL would be if she found out after my principal who is in neither the friend or family category, thinking about what in the world we'd do if we got things for 2 and lost 1 of them. 

Constantly these things fly thru my head.  I wish I felt safe enough to go out and buy some things; just kind of to acknowledge the existence of the little ones swimming around carrying our genetic material several continents away.  I'm having a hard time resisting since seeing a link for "The White Company" on another blog.  I am in love with EVERYTHING on this page:  http://www.thewhitecompany.com/baby-elephant-collection/ and have gone so far as to load some of the stuff into their digital cart (okay, 2 of everything on the page) and go to the checkout page...just to become locked with anxiety and think that if I buy it, something bad's going to happen.  "Bad" is an ominous, ever-lurking, unknown that is possible at anytime, always one purchase/thought/breath/admission away. 

Am I totally crazy?  Do I need to seek a prescription for Xanax?  That mantra I've been working on is quickly becoming an OCD kind of chant.  I could not be my own friend right now because I would be driving me nuts.  Nobody pray for us to have patience, please!  No favors can be done with that! 

On a side note, we did go back to church this past Sunday for the first time in a good long while.  It was good.  We went to a place with no past connections; not a soul knew our names.  I was able to sing and sit in prayer (I GUARANTEE I prayed harder than anyone else there!) without feeling that sense of fury and desolation that had been a constant companion for so long.  That's progress. 

One step at a time, I guess. 

Oh good. Wait, what?!

You could have knocked us over with a feather when we received the notice and scan from SCI this morning.  How in the world?  It's just...wow.  This morning, during the scan, they found a second heartbeat and embryo!!!  TWINS!!!  Can you believe it???  WOW!  Both look to be "normal," and have good heartbeats (150/154 bpm).  The biggest of them ("THEM," WOW!) is measuring at 8 weeks, 3 days. 

TWINS!!