What's next?

A question that continuously runs thru the mind in the moments when life offers "down time" to a person struggling with infertility, and one that is running thru one possibility after another.  My mind constantly races to think thru scenario 1, 2, 2a, 3, and 4b.  It's like having an iPod hooked up with bluetooth hard-wired directly to my brain.  I think back thru the years and years of fertility treatments, the different doctors in different states, the articles in books/magazines/newspapers/journals that I've read, the stories I've watched on television, and the webinars I've listened to.  With all of that information, with all of those scenarios executed, and with all of those years invested, how could we still have nothing to show for it?  How is it possible that there is still no actual, living, breathing, growing child in our house that calls us mom and dad?  I mean, really, we're hard workers - unafraid of a challenge, always willing to invest extra hours and effort in order to reach a goal.  This is certainly why we are so frustrated at this point.  Despite all of those things, we're still coming up empty. 

We sat in a booth last night eating Chinese food and mulling over our options.  As in any conversation about infertility, our ages come up in conversation almost right away.  Harris is already 35, and I'll be the same age in May of 2013.  I hear the tick-tock of my biological clock echoing like a voice in a cave.  Ironically, I'd always planned to gift myself a hysterectomy for the big 3-5 because insurance would cover it.  That's totally not in the plans now.

So, the question lingers, what's next?  We are debating a couple of possibilities:

1. Not doing another FET cycle and instead doing another fresh cycle in June (because, apparently, the universe hates me and wants me to have a heatstroke on the other side of the planet).  We'd for sure get more eggs to work with and, hopefully, this time make a baby that lives.  We've had 3 miscarriages now in the 1st trimester, and there's no explanation as to what went wrong.  Likewise, there are no assurances that it won't happen again.  Harris put it best last night when he said, "What's the number that makes it time to stop?  10?  6?  3?  Is there a number?  When do we say enough is enough?" 
2. Putting off doing another cycle completely and working with the South Koreans to complete an international adoption.  This option guarantees us a child in the end, and that is really appealing right now.  Once you hit a certain age range, adoption agencies start looking at you cross-eyed when you apply because you're too old for that too apparently.  If we went this route, we'd still be able to apply with savings in the bank.  If we did another fresh cycle first, we'd be forced to take complete financing for the adoption process and we don't know how that would be viewed.  This is in the early stage of research, and I'm not sure about a lot of things that go along with it right now.  One of my parents at school has done it, and the process was SUPER quick for her.  Their second son was ready for pick-up within 5-6 months.  That's a very appealing time-frame for me today.  

At the time of year when parents are buying their gifts from Santa, families are picking out and decorating Christmas trees, and memories are being made by 1st time parents, I find myself (and Harris) feeling more and more alone.  In part, we've done it to ourselves by not sharing what we're dealing with.  But, at the same time, there's only so much comfort that can be taken from people who have no experience dealing with the sense of longing that is so very present at this time of year. 

Somedays are better than others, and tomorrow is another day.  We will figure things out.  We are not giving up.

Wouldn't it be cool???

Yes, I'm a dork - I admit it without shame.  My first thought today when I found out that Kate Middleton was pregnant was, "Oh my gosh.  How cool would it be to be pregnant at the same time as her?!" 

'Cause, you know, our kids could be friends and stuff!  <snicker, snicker>

Test results this Friday!  All I want for Christmas is a positive beta test with a confirmed heartbeat growing stronger everyday...Is that too much to ask for?
 

Waiting...again...

Yes, it's not the most original title ever.  But, we are again waiting to find out the results of our FET which was done on Black Friday.  As that is basically another religious holiday in my mind, this transfer has to be getting some good vibes right off the bat. 

Two of our embryos were thawed, but only one survived.  The one that did make it was a Grade II and was transferred into our surrogate with no problems reported.  Crazy as it seems, I am hoping that with the lack of competition for space in the womb, maybe the little thing will bury itself deep within and feast away until time to be born.  Biology lessons aside, I'd like to believe this fairy tale that I've created in my mind.  Sometimes I need to believe in the reality-pushed-aside daydreams that wander thru my mind. 

We are scheduled to get results on the 7th of December, and I am PRAYING that we have reason to celebrate a steadily-rising positive beta level for Christmas this year. 

Attach and grow.
Attach and grow.
Attach and grow.
Please, attach and grow.

How do you compare???

It's probably the most difficult thing NOT to do while going thru infertility - compare, that is.  This challenge is even greater when you work with children everyday.  I can't help but imagine my non-existent children in one scenario or another working in my little classroom beside the other children.  She (because for some reason I always imagine a girl) gets marker on her hand in Art class drawing the little turkeys, wiggles thru the monkey bars to sit up on top, and smiles from ear to ear when she gets a perfect score on her spelling test.  No, she's not really there, but she's so real in my mind.  It's that "real-ness" that keeps me/us moving forward.  How could someone who seems so real not actually become real one day???  We have to believe that she will exist one day...hopefully sooner rather than later. 

Today's comparison task has us working to pick the next person to act as our surrogate.  Having gone thru the process twice before, this is the first time we've actually forgotten to ask for profiles without pictures.  What a surprise when we opened the email and there were pictures with all of them.  Not bad, not good, just different I guess.  It almost feels like a game of chance...like a strange Vegas style task that might help us to end in the land of Mommies and Daddies.  We compare ages, talk thru the ages and dates of their last pregnancies, mull over how long it's been since the last pregnancy, and debate whether or not a vegetarian diet really makes any difference in gestation. 

When it's all said and done, once the decision is made, it's really totally and completely beyond our control.  We can compare as long as we want, but there's only one way we'll actually know we've made the right decision. 

 

An Update...

First, our payment has been received for doing an FET cycle with another surrogate in India.  The new profiles for the ladies should come in around the 14th of the month, with the potential transfer date being the 23rd or 24th as it stands right now.  After much debate, Harris and I did decide to use 2 of the 4 embryos we have in reserve for this transfer.  When all was said and done, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is the "wise" thing to do if it doesn't feel right for us.  We just couldn't see putting all of the embryos in at one time because then we'd be right back at square one with nothing left if it failed.  How much would that totally suck, right?!

The second front, kind of a sub-front to the first one about the FET cycle, is that Harris went to a fertility clinic in Raleigh yesterday and gave another "sample" for them to send away for further analysis.  We've run all of the standard tests and even with the karotyping done after this last miscarriage there was nothing to explain why the pregnancies end in the first trimester time and again.  So, we decided to go ahead with the DNA Fragmentation testing that I was told about.  We only did the first level of testing (SESA test is the name, I think), but that will take it down to a DNA level that looks for any missing pieces as best I can tell.  There's a secondary test that goes down even further (called a FISH test, I think, or something similar) that we could do...should we decide to shell out even more money because insurance doesn't cover it.  The main reason we went ahead with this is actually because I had someone tell me about this test who had gone thru 3 miscarriages herself and then another one or two with a surrogate.  It was because of this test that she was able to find out that her husband's, um, well, you know, "stuff" was missing pieces all over the place and that any pregnancy would never be able to come to term because of the missing pieces.  She said that they finally had some answers as to that mysterious diagnosis of "recurrent miscarriage" that had plagued her for so long.  While having that information would be really sad, it would also offer us a reason as to why things continue to fall apart time and again with each pregnancy.  That unknown factor is a huge part of the frustration that comes with infertility.  There are so many different opinions that point to one thing or another - but never agree.  So, the chance to have a real explanation is worth the money, at this point, and if it comes back with anything that makes sense.  Because NCCRM only ships off their samples to a contracted lab on Wednesdays, it will be 3-4 weeks from Wednesday of next week before we get any information.  Of course, by that time, we'll probably also have the results of the FET cycle.  Should we have waited for those results before doing the FET cycle?  I don't know.  We didn't find out about the test until after we'd sent the money a few weeks ago. 

In regard to our robbery, we have FINALLY purchased a set of doors to replace the damaged ones.  The plan is to have them up by the end of the weekend so they're in place before Harris goes to his turf conference next week.  Being here alone with plywood standing between me and the outdoors didn't sit too well.  I'd be a zombie by the time he got back on Wednesday because I'd not sleep a wink the entire time if the old doors were not replaced!

So, that's our update for now.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  As the holidays approach, things do become more difficult and I find myself getting weepy (and somewhat more irritable) a little bit more easily.  It sure would be nice to have another stocking hanging on the mantle next year at this time...

Justice League - Allie & Harris Style...

When my phone rang at school, just after lunch on Friday, I thought it was odd.  When Harris asked me if I'd been home - knowing that I work 45 minutes away - I knew something was way beyond odd.  Turns out, someone had broken thru the glass on our backdoor, reached inside to twist the lock on the knob, and come inside to steal anything easy to carry.

I've always tried to make my home a place where people feel welcome and want to come.  However, I had no clue that a burglar would feel so "at home" that he would stay long enough to go thru (yes, really) all of our drawers, closets, cabinets, and cupboards.  Um, eew.

So, beyond the creepiness that exists knowing somebody has looked thru your underwear, exists the joy (written with TOTAL sarcasm) that comes from finding out it's going to cost almost $1,000 to replace the door and repair the damage he caused. 

Only dumb people steal from us.  Really, you don't realize who you're messing with - we don't take crime laying down - and we're big supporters of the "you do the crime, you do the time" mentality.  I knew what was missing; so did Harris.  We took off to the local pawn shops, began asking questions, giving item descriptions, along with our contact information, etc. and were able to track 6 of the stolen DVDs to one specific store.  Now, here's where the story gets REALLY GOOD.

Post Part II:  AKA, "Dumb Crook News"
There's this wonderful little caveat to the law in NC which states that any person wanting to sell an item to a pawn shop must present a valid, state issued ID card.  Our burglar, being not the sharpest knife in the drawer, gave the pawn shop employee his current drivers license!  The investigating police officer met us at the pawn shop and took the details about the seller.  The officer has made contact with him, and is hoping to have arrested him by Monday.

Oh, and one other thing to note:  The guy is currently on probation for breaking and entering.

Thank Heavens we had a stupid criminal instead of a criminal mastermind!!!  While we don't expect to ever see the laptop and other items again.  But, hopefully we'll at least see our day in court!

Carry On, Carry On...

Remember a few posts back when I said that my next ringtone would be that song, "Carry On," by the group FUN?  Well, it's time.  I'm officially switching over from the devastatingly sad song about loss to my new hang-in-there-and-carry-on song! 

"Though I've never been through Hell like that, 

I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back."

"May your past be the sound of your feet on the ground.  Carry on, Carry on."

My feet are most definitely on the ground...and they're heading to the bank tomorrow to send our 1st payment for a FET cycle with 2 of our 4 embryos.  Fingers crossed!