Holding Pattern...

We received the report from India this morning, and it's not decisive either way really.  The subchorionic hemorrhage has changed dimensions and shrunk overall which is good (from 12x3 mm to 10x4 mm).  The gestational sac has become more well defined, which is also good.  But, there is no embryo in the sac that can be made out or characterized as having a heartbeat at this time, which is not good news.  Sometimes, according to our dr, this happens later.  I've heard from several people, who are also going down this road, that they didn't get heartbeats until 7 weeks.  That would put us in line for the scan next week.  So, they are going to repeat the scan then and let us know.  We're very thankful that the clinic hasn't given up on this yet, and will only call it if there's nothing there in the next scan.  Likewise, decidual reaction also continues to be weak, also not good.

As you can see, this is never going to be a "Hey, we're pregnant!  Let's celebrate with everyone we know!" situation - EVER.  One of the things that sucks most about all of this is the continued fear that this will once again result in a miscarriage and we'll be back at square one.   Harris and I are trying to balance our hope and our fear, but it's a struggle.  It has also reaffirmed our decision to not share this news.  The worst feeling in the world (so far for us) is when you find out you've lost a pregnancy.  The second worst is having to tell people who then need us to help them grieve.  We cannot bear having to console others during that time, and can only hope that when we are successful - because that day will come - the people who were left out of the loop will come to understand our reasoning.  It's all we can do to keep it together during these kind of waits, we simply aren't able to pull anyone new along with us.

Thank you for your continued support, prayers, and words of encouragement as we climb out of what is fast becoming another sinkhole in our road to have children.  Sorry I don't have better news.

Sighs & Lows...

We heard that the first scan was done this morning (their time), and it showed some problems.  The radiologist sent his report to our Dr. and she looked over it.  While there is a gestational sac (one), they said the doctor, "has reviewed the reports & found decidual reaction is weak. A 12x3 mm s/c bleed seen adjacent to the sac and surrogate does not have bleeding."  Further clarification of that from the doctor came within 5 minutes.  She said, "the scan is not perfect and you have a risk of this not continuing -- I am really sorry about this.  But we have had many cases where this resolves.  The best indicator is the heartbeat scan.  If you get a heart beat and make it to 12 weeks then chances are very good that things will progress normally.  Lets keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best." 

So, again we are in that limbo where we are sad, angry, and hopeful at the same time.  It's good that they are telling us about everything so there are no surprises.  But, we wonder if there will be any cardiac activity next week at all.  If there's not, then we know it's over.  But if there is, then we have something to work with.  So, we'll see.  Please, keep us in your prayers!

IT WORKED!!!!!

Can you believe it?!?!  Beta number was 204.85!!!!

Juxtaposition

def.  "Any time unlike things bump up against each other, you can describe it as a juxtaposition. Imagine a funeral mourner telling jokes graveside, and you get the idea — the juxtaposition in this case is between grief and humor. Juxtaposition of two contrasting items is often done deliberately in writing, music, or art — in order to highlight their differences." ~ Vocabulary.com

 Over the last week...

• One friend delivered a beautiful, healthy, baby boy after 15 failed fertility cycles.  
• A second friend (who was told she'd never be able to get pregnant) delivered tiny, perfect fraternal twins who were born too soon at 21 weeks to survive.  The heartbroken mother and father held their babies as they passed from this world. 
• How does one arrange an order for both a celebration flower arrangement, and a sympathy flower basket in the same phone call? 
• A great-Aunt goes into the hospital with congestive heart failure and develops pneumonia, slipping into that quiet place between life and death, hanging there while a family hopes the medicine will work.
• Harris driving down to the Lake in the midst of raging thunderstorms while I watch the sky for a tornado that is a few miles away.  Then, arriving safely to find out the power is off and likely won't be restored until the next day.
• Floating with my mom in the clear peaceful water, watching the clouds drift by slowly, nice breeze coming from shore, and all I can think is "Please, God.  Please, God.  Please, God.  Please, God.  Please, God."  How can I feel this desperate in the midst of such tranquility.
• Channel 42, news story about a woman who killed her infant.  Channel 43, Dateline about a man who didn't want his wife to have a child because she'd get fat.  Channel 44, Snookie's pregnancy update.  Channel 45, "Forrest Gump."  Channel 46, "Toddlers and Tiaras."
• A friend, who's hoping to start her second career in May (thanks to a layoff), receives notice that she has 6 weeks of unemployment left during her one week break from nursing school this summer. 

Right now, my thoughts on the 2WW are that I want to know.  But, I don't want to know.  If it's a positive result, I want to know now.  If it's negative, again, I don't want to know before Wednesday. 

Please test, be positive.

In good company...

Good results were emailed to me while in the air on Wednesday.  Eight of the ten eggs made it to become top quality embryos!!!  Whoo hoo!  Dr. Shivani transferred 4 of them into our surrogate on Wednesday and the others were frozen.  We're officially in our 2WW, and thrilled to be sharing it with several others in blog-land.  My hope is that we're able to share our 9MW (9 month wait!) as well!

Today, my mom was my chaufer around the area as we went to run errands all day.  We got our Agreement signed by Harris, went to Staples and scanned everything in for our records, headed to the bank to wire the embryo storage fee to SCI, and headed over to UPS the documents to India.  It cost close to $70 to send them the cheapest way.  They will be there by the end of (their) business day on Tuesday. 

I've had to laugh several in the last 24 hours because I feel like I was both so missed and so totally loved while I was gone.  Harris hasn't stopped talking since I got home.  Seriously.  It's like he's a Chatty-Cathy doll!  A tall, handsome Chatty-Cathy mind you.  This is totally out of character for him, because he's usually not like this.  He even talks to me in the bathroom thru the door.  He was alone for too long, I think!  I love my husband!

We remain cautiously optimistic. 

Retrieval and Retail Therapy...

I appreciate all the prayers and well-wishes that have been sent our way.  Both Harris and I remain cautiously optimistic that this will be our time for a pregnancy, and that next year we'll be back in India for baby-pick-up.  Fingers, toes, eyes, everything crossed!  Retrieval was yesterday, and it went pretty well.  The worst part for me is always the needle in the hand for the IV drip.  Are needles in India bigger than in the States or is it my imagination?  Dr. Gupta, the anesthesiologist, remembered me from last time - apparently I made an impression with the needle issue then too.  He saw me coming and we began looking at my hands, arms, elbows, wrists, etc. looking for a place to poke.  Once it was all done, he told me that he'd been out on medical leave until 2 days ago with an injury and had looked for a back-up to take this shift since he knew I was coming.  He was joking...I think...maybe not!  LOL!

Dr. Shivani was able to get 10 eggs from me, although she said there were again between 20-25 follicles that she drained.  My ovaries were approximately twice the size of my uterus, and I did have to stay a little longer to take meds so they'd shrink back up to normal size.  I do have some pain today, but it's managed with meds nicely.  Although I don't know yet how many have fertilized, I'm hoping to hear something from SCI this afternoon. 

I've even managed to drag myself around the mall and get a bit of retail therapy in!  At Bharison's bookstore in DLF Mall, I  got a book for my god-nephew called, Tales from Old Delhi, which has stories about all of the places I've been here.  The second book will be for my 3rd graders, Going to School in India, and has fantastic photographs of schools all over India - a great cultural comparison tool for my students!  The third thing I picked up a few days ago is a cute little notebook that goes with the first book.  The illustrations are similar and there's the India Gate and monument for unknown soldiers on the front cover.  I've made all my little notes in there while being here!  I totally forgot to bring along pens and paper this trip!  Duh!  From there, a friend from breakfast took me to a store in Select City Walk mall called, "Creations" where I picked up these sets of bangles.  There's easily between 120-150 bangles in the sets total, and I paid less than $20 US for all of them.  I'll split the sets up and they'll make great gifts!  The colors are much prettier in person than in the pictures (one silver/gold, one magenta/gold, and one aqua/silver/gold). 


Yesterday evening, I made the decision to go ahead and pay the change fee for my ticket.  Like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home!"  Now, I'm scheduled to leave Wednesday night, rather than Sunday!  I can't express how excited I am to get home again!  I look forward to seeing Harris & my mom, seeing my fur babies, doing my own laundry (yes, I mean that), and eating Mexican food again!!!  El Azteca has the best Mexican food around - everything homemade!  Guess what's for dinner Thursday night???


In retrospect, Delhi has been good this time around for me.  I've felt more comfortable knowing where I wanted to go and what I wanted to buy.  The first time thru, there was just so much of everything (people, traffic, noise, poverty, etc.) that it was totally overwhelming.  Other than the oppressive heat, I think I've done pretty okay this time on my own. 

Tomorrow! Week 2 Recap...

Tomorrow's the day for egg collection, and nobody is happier about that than me!  At this point, I have somewhere around 15 follicles all measuring mature, and everything is difficult from sitting to walking with the added puffiness and pressure from the meds.  I had my appointment for the trigger shot in the wee hours of this morning, and I am going in around 2:30 tomorrow for the 4:30 procedure.  For those who pray, please pray for me, the doctors and nurses, and the surrogate - that her uterus would be hospitable to our little embryos when the time comes!

Week 2 for me has brought some good shopping!  I've picked up most of the things I wanted to find from the previous trip including scarves and bangles for gifts, as well as the cloth that I wanted to find for recovering a chair and ottoman at home when I return.  Honestly the days have blurred into one another here, and it's likely that I'll repeat some things posted before.  Bear with me if that happens!

I met a woman at breakfast one morning (Harris says I've never met a stranger!).   We struck up a conversation, and then had a day shopping together afterwards!  We went to the N-Block market and found several things.  At a beautiful store called Kalol, I found the lovely pink fabrics that I'd searched for to recover a thrift store chair at home.  They have new fabrics brought in each week, and in addition to fabrics there are colorful clothes at very reasonable prices.  From there, we went across the street to a store called "Cottons" where my friend purchased a beautiful flowing muslin robe (white with gold trim!) and took it away in a lovely cloth store bag printed with pink roses! 

After that stop, we were off to Connaught Place (I'm sure that's spelled incorrectly - sorry!) for a quick shopping trip at a store called "Shaw & Sons" where I purchased 15 scarves and 8 bangles (the pretty hand-painted kind).  I bargained with the salesman and was okay walking away with the scarves for 150 INR each, and the bangles for 110 INR each.  Yes, I could probably have done better on the bangles, but the idea of having everything purchased really made me happy, so I went with it!  Shaw & Sons is on the B-block in Connaught Place (burgundy sign with yellow letters), and their upstairs showroom has A/C. 

Finally, I headed to a local shop (truly for locals with goats, chickens, and only Hindi signs) to pick up some of the little ankle bracelets Indian families put on their babies.  One of my girlfriends back home (who knows about this situation & has also struggled with infertility) is having a baby while I'm over here, and I thought this would be a perfect gift!  The anklets are silver and have little rattles all around them.  I didn't bargain for a number of reasons and paid 648 INR for the set - a price I'm fine with!  As near as I can understand, they use them to encourage the babies to kick and strengthen their legs.  When the babies begin to crawl, their feet point and the anklets are then found in the house marking their path.  Cute idea!  The shop I went to was "Pardeep Jewellers" located at C-96, JJ Colony, Khanpur, New Delhi.  The taxi driver had to call for directions and then also ask several people once we got to the area in order to find them.  TIP:  Take the driver with you to serve as the translator because the shopkeeper doesn't really speak much English.  In all honesty, I wouldn't have gotten out of the car without the driver coming with me. I've had all of my successful shopping trips with Suni!


Other than the shopping, there's not been much going on!  I've stayed in a lot to keep my feet up.  They're swelling to the size of personal watermelons most days, and putting them up helps that a good deal.  I have enjoyed staying at the Hilton.  The staff is very personable, the room is clean and comfortable, and it's readily accessible to the mall's food court and shops.  Oh, one funny thing did happen with the hotel.  I ended up having to switch rooms after the phone in the other was seemingly possessed by a ghost.  From 6:30 in the morning until 11 pm at night it would ring on speaker thru to guest services.  I mentioned to the Manager that perhaps there was a ghost in the room and he wanted something.  He suggested I unplug the phone until the engineers could come thru the next day.  The 5 people they had come look at it couldn't figure out the problem, so I was switched to a different room with a front facing view of the malls' courtyards.  On the way out of the old room, the housekeeping manager came thru to see if there was anything I needed.  I said "No, so long as there's no ghost in the new room wanting room service!"  She responded in a very serious tone, "No, no, no ghosts.  I have checked for you and gotten rid of all ghosts."  It was all I could do to keep a straight face as I envisioned the cleansing ritual being performed on the room prior to my arrival!  LOVE the Hilton!

I did go in and sign the contracts yesterday at SCI's clinic.  The surrogate was to come in and sign last night.  The final piece of the equation will be my taking them home for Harris to sign, and then mail back for filing.  It does seem odd to me that I couldn't sign and be done, but they do this everyday so I guess I just have to trust the process.  We'll sign and ship them back on the way home from the airport next Monday. 

That's all for now, I guess. I'm off to prop my feet up and watch "Pirates of the Caribbean 2" after a Skype session with Harris!