The "Magic" of Motherhood...

Simply not the best day ever.  Meg did let me know they'd gotten my infectious disease screening - that was the highlight today.  Downhill FAST from there.  I was reminded once again today, at school, that "when I have children of my own," I'll understand.  Really?  What is the magical thing that happens after I have these children.  And, if I don't have children - not for lack of trying - am I doomed to ignorance for the rest of my life?  How is it that I am unqualified to perform a myriad of tasks like attending games and recitals because I'm not a mother?  Why is it that, despite having over 15 years of time working with children, getting them set on schedules, potty training other people's babies, helping them learn to read, feeding them, cleaning up kid barf, and finding ways to make their lives more enriched, I am unqualified to have opinions related to children?  How, exactly, does that work? 

If the inverse is true, does that mean that all people with children DO know these coveted secrets of the universe?  Clearly not, point in case, ever been to Walmart?  These enlightened people, qualified only by right of childbirth, can be seen and heard all over the store cursing, abusing, and putting down their offspring.  Is that the knowledge that I'll gain from becoming a mother?  Hope not. 

What I want to say - but never do, because I'd cry my eyeballs out - is that I may not have children, but if I did I'd do it better than you!  My children, our children, would be treasured, loved, protected, encouraged, guided, shielded, praised, challenged, taught, tended, nurtured, snuggled, and told every single day of their lives that they were wanted so much that their dad and I went to the ends of the earth to find a way to have them become part of our lives.  My children, our children, would never question this truth.  These children that we're all trying desperately to concieve, bring home, raise, and send out into the world to make it better will always be looked at by parents who have thanksgiving and gratitude in their hearts for whatever or whoever helped them find their children.  Our children - whether living now, miscarried and remembered, 8 celled, or only a twinkle in an eye - are wanted beyond any measure that is understood by most parents.  We know what it is like to love and yearn for people who have yet to exist, are waiting to be introduced, or have been a part of our lives for the shortest of times.  I have to think that in some way this qualifies us to "know" the secrets of parents - at least on some level.

But, since I'm not a mother, what do I know?  What's happened to Bernadette and Duane is heartbreaking.  Lucylu, same thoughts go out to you - you were "in" and then this loss.  I feel your pain and your waivering faith that one day, somehow, you'll be parents.  If you read this guys, you're all in my prayers.

Climbing Mt. Everest

This week, I watched a special about people climbing Mt. Everest.  They train for years sometimes, pick guides that are experienced and trustworthy, immerse themselves in the climbing community, and take time to regroup and breathe on their way up the mountain.  That special was like a huge, glaring, blatant metaphor for this journey and has been particularly applicable this week.  Maybe it was a sign, or an omen, of things to come.

Celebration!

I was absolutely elated to find out that Rasta Less Traveled had arrived in India!  Congrats guys and thanks for the pictures, details, and information you've been posting!  I'm sending prayers your way for excellent retrieval, sample collections, and transfer with your SM!

When it rains, it pours!

On our end, it's been a "walking uphill" kind of week.  I thought of Lucylu today as the water poured into our office during a heavy rainstorm.  We had the beginnings of a tropical depression heading our way and the rain today left us with bowls all over the floor catching the drips.  Ironically, the storm is named for my sister, Emily.  Harris got a call from his hysterical wife saying that he needed to come home immediately because I was afraid the ceiling was going to cave in from the weight of the water.  I moved all the furniture out of the leaking area and cleaned up as best I could.  A good recovery, I feel, and I have already scheduled a contractor to come thru on Monday and do the necessary repair work. 

Pharmacy mix-up...

On Friday, I still had not started my cycle and decided to call my reproductive endocrinologist's office to check in since 8 days had passed.  I have had problems with an infected uterus, a polyp, and needed a D&C to clear this situation up before - so I'm cautious now.  Imagine my surprise when the nurse asked if I'd taken all 10 progesterone pills.  10?  I only got 3.  With further investigation I found that the pharmacy tech had incorrectly filled the script and not given me credit for my refills.  When I spoke with the pharmacist, his response was that he was sorry but we're all human.  Nice.  That didn't sit well and I made a phone call to corporate to make sure this doesn't happen again.  He's ultimately responsible for making sure things are done correctly and this mistake would never have been caught without my finding it. 

Timing is everything...

With the pharmacy mistake, we are now at least 10 days behind on our fertility cycle now.  I start back to school on the 15th with the kids arriving on the 25th.  It's going to be tight to get in the meds, the ultrasounds, the shots, and ovulation before the 25th...if it can be done.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have to take any medical leave days because I will certainly need them to go to India. 

Infectious diseases...

I am also having a hard time finding someone to do the screenings I need for this infectious disease process.  Harris has taken off the day from work on Monday and we have appointments to see a foreign travel clinic nurse to discuss shots.  We are also planning to do a walk-in visit to my general practitioner to see if they are willing to help us on this.  My endocrinologist said no already.  I do have one other option that's a long shot.  It's my former OBGYN who originally made the PCOS diagnosis.  She was not born here and always seemed to be more open minded about things than my other doctors.  I'm keeping that in the back of my mind for now.

Breathing...

I got an encouraging email from Margarida yesterday reminding me that we all have bumps in the road and that I have to keep breathing because it will all work out.  They have done this before at SCI.  They know the challenges for IPs.  They will hold my hand thru the entire process.  Boy, that means a lot.  Whew.  Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.