About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Monday, July 30, 2012

I ♥ "Normal"


Bleeding has disappeared, and WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT of 124 bpm!!!  Can you believe it????  We are now officially 6 wks 1 day pregnant!!!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Oh, What A Night...

Just arrived back from having spent a night in the hospital with Harris hooked up to heart monitors.  For the last week, he has been having worsening tightness in his chest, shortness of breath, nausea, dizziness, etc.  Now, keep in mind he's only 35, but we buried one of his friends this past Monday who dropped dead on the golf course from a massive heart attack.  The heat here has been pretty intense this past week (not Indian intense, but really hot) with temps running around 100 degrees and a heat index around 110.  Harris' job responsibilities have him working outside 95% of the time.  So, when I got home last night and found him laying on the bed, too tired to eat, I was concerned.  When he had to sit down after taking out the trash, I told him to put on pants we were going to the hospital.  We made the 1.5 hour drive to the heart center, and they pumped him full of fluids, ran an EKG, did a chest x-ray, checked heart enzymes, and ran blood panel after blood panel.  Thankfully, they have ruled out a heart attack, and preliminary tests don't look like there's a blood clot.  Monday we are going to a cardiologist for a stress test to check his heart function. 

It's been quite a long night.  We did find humor in the doctor asking if he was under any unusual stress right now.  I don't know, does overseas surrogacy and waiting to find a heartbeat for the 2nd week count as "stress" or is that just par for the course at this point?

Monday, July 23, 2012

Holding Pattern...

We received the report from India this morning, and it's not decisive either way really.  The subchorionic hemorrhage has changed dimensions and shrunk overall which is good (from 12x3 mm to 10x4 mm).  The gestational sac has become more well defined, which is also good.  But, there is no embryo in the sac that can be made out or characterized as having a heartbeat at this time, which is not good news.  Sometimes, according to our dr, this happens later.  I've heard from several people, who are also going down this road, that they didn't get heartbeats until 7 weeks.  That would put us in line for the scan next week.  So, they are going to repeat the scan then and let us know.  We're very thankful that the clinic hasn't given up on this yet, and will only call it if there's nothing there in the next scan.  Likewise, decidual reaction also continues to be weak, also not good.

As you can see, this is never going to be a "Hey, we're pregnant!  Let's celebrate with everyone we know!" situation - EVER.  One of the things that sucks most about all of this is the continued fear that this will once again result in a miscarriage and we'll be back at square one.   Harris and I are trying to balance our hope and our fear, but it's a struggle.  It has also reaffirmed our decision to not share this news.  The worst feeling in the world (so far for us) is when you find out you've lost a pregnancy.  The second worst is having to tell people who then need us to help them grieve.  We cannot bear having to console others during that time, and can only hope that when we are successful - because that day will come - the people who were left out of the loop will come to understand our reasoning.  It's all we can do to keep it together during these kind of waits, we simply aren't able to pull anyone new along with us.

Thank you for your continued support, prayers, and words of encouragement as we climb out of what is fast becoming another sinkhole in our road to have children.  Sorry I don't have better news.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Sighs & Lows...

We heard that the first scan was done this morning (their time), and it showed some problems.  The radiologist sent his report to our Dr. and she looked over it.  While there is a gestational sac (one), they said the doctor, "has reviewed the reports & found decidual reaction is weak. A 12x3 mm s/c bleed seen adjacent to the sac and surrogate does not have bleeding."  Further clarification of that from the doctor came within 5 minutes.  She said, "the scan is not perfect and you have a risk of this not continuing -- I am really sorry about this.  But we have had many cases where this resolves.  The best indicator is the heartbeat scan.  If you get a heart beat and make it to 12 weeks then chances are very good that things will progress normally.  Lets keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best." 

So, again we are in that limbo where we are sad, angry, and hopeful at the same time.  It's good that they are telling us about everything so there are no surprises.  But, we wonder if there will be any cardiac activity next week at all.  If there's not, then we know it's over.  But if there is, then we have something to work with.  So, we'll see.  Please, keep us in your prayers!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Sunday, July 8, 2012


def.  "Any time unlike things bump up against each other, you can describe it as a juxtaposition. Imagine a funeral mourner telling jokes graveside, and you get the idea — the juxtaposition in this case is between grief and humor. Juxtaposition of two contrasting items is often done deliberately in writing, music, or art — in order to highlight their differences." ~ Vocabulary.com

 Over the last week...
  • One friend delivered a beautiful, healthy, baby boy after 15 failed fertility cycles.  
  • A second friend (who was told she'd never be able to get pregnant) delivered tiny, perfect fraternal twins who were born too soon at 21 weeks to survive.  The heartbroken mother and father held their babies as they passed from this world. 
  • How does one arrange an order for both a celebration flower arrangement, and a sympathy flower basket in the same phone call? 
  • A great-Aunt goes into the hospital with congestive heart failure and develops pneumonia, slipping into that quiet place between life and death, hanging there while a family hopes the medicine will work.
  • Harris driving down to the Lake in the midst of raging thunderstorms while I watch the sky for a tornado that is a few miles away.  Then, arriving safely to find out the power is off and likely won't be restored until the next day.
  • Floating with my mom in the clear peaceful water, watching the clouds drift by slowly, nice breeze coming from shore, and all I can think is "Please, God.  Please, God.  Please, God.  Please, God.  Please, God."  How can I feel this desperate in the midst of such tranquility.
  • Channel 42, news story about a woman who killed her infant.  Channel 43, Dateline about a man who didn't want his wife to have a child because she'd get fat.  Channel 44, Snookie's pregnancy update.  Channel 45, "Forrest Gump."  Channel 46, "Toddlers and Tiaras."
  • A friend, who's hoping to start her second career in May (thanks to a layoff), receives notice that she has 6 weeks of unemployment left during her one week break from nursing school this summer. 
Right now, my thoughts on the 2WW are that I want to know.  But, I don't want to know.  If it's a positive result, I want to know now.  If it's negative, again, I don't want to know before Wednesday. 

Please test, be positive.