About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Not yet a butterfly...

First and foremost, congrats to new parents Bernadette & Duane, Avey & Dr. Vinay, and Mia who WILL be the world's best big sister, I'm sure!  We are both so thrilled for you and feel blessed to have been along for the ride with you.  Keep the updates coming and know that you're all in our prayers.

In a conversation with a friend/fellow teacher at work today, she confessed that she was getting out at the end of this year.  During the conversation she seemed to really want to explain herself and her choice - almost like trying to defend something.  When she finally said, "You know, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks because it's not anyone else's life.  It's my life!" I totally was with her. 

In that moment, I realized again that we all have to make choices for ourselves.  Sharing, not sharing.  Adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, being a family of 2...or 1.  Working, staying home, going back to school.  Outgoing, introvert, lawyer, doctor, teacher, landscaper.  None of it makes a hill o'beans difference so long as we're sure our own path is the right one for us.

As my friend sat there talking, I remembered that I used to be one of those people who would've questioned her decision and asked to hear the justification.  But today as I sat there listening for a few minutes, all I felt necessary to say was that it was okay.  I just want her to be happy and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it.  If this is what she needs to do, then it's okay with me, no questions or explanation necessary.  More than she knows, I get what she said.

So, while it's true that I may never be the laid-back, quiet (Harris laughs at this one!), gentle, go with the flow, trust-that-everything-will-be-alright person I aspire to become, I gotta say this process/journey has helped me to unlock my mind to other possibilities I'd never considered.  As much as this situation sucks, I'm grateful for who I've started to become.  [Insert caterpillar to butterfly metaphor HERE]

In that spirit, thanks to everyone who's written me on the blog or by email, met Harris & I for lunch (Duane & Bernadette), come over to have a family dinner in a place where we were totally alone (Avey & Mia, Aleksandra, Rich, Helena, Neveah, Milena), or made us feel at home with sweet tea on the other side of the world (Chad & Doug).  I am sincerely grateful for the ways you've all changed me.

BTW, Harris is still laughing at the thought of me being quiet and laid-back.  Probably wouldn't help to illustrate the new me if I yelled down the hall for him to put a sock in it, huh??? 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

S.I.T.'s ...

Having dinner with my mother the other night was one of the funniest things we've done in years!  I didn't exactly grow up in a house filled with laughter.  Certainly, the last few years of infertility have not brought out the laughter on a daily basis either; although I do try to maintain my sense of humor while paying people to poke, prod, and "service me" in such intimate ways.  LOL!

Since realizing that Harris may not be able to accompany me on this trip and asking my mother to consider going, she has REALLY expanded her mind on the topic.  It went from "zero desire" to "How many shots do I need?" to "Can I borrow your copy of the visa application because I'm confused."  If you knew my mother, you'd be astonished, trust me.  So, it was at dinner that I realized that she has also developed a condition I have been calling Stress-Induced-Tourette's Syndrome or (S.I.T.'s). 

We both laughed so hard that we cried (also a genetic trait, I'm sure) because every few minutes my mom would randomly shake her head and go "mmmff" and it cracked me up because I totally understood why.  Those were the times that she was imagining flying to India, being in India, and getting back from India.  She confessed that she will be walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a random word would fly out of her mouth as a response to a conversation she was having in her head (with herself) about India.  Symptoms of S.I.T.'s are varied.  There are random head shakes, nervous laughter at odd times, and (possibly most telling) the comments that fit with your mental conversation but make others nervous.  For example, at a recent yard sale I randomly blurted out, "Well, I don't really care about that - so screw it."  As you can imagine, that garnered some stares from those walking by and *NOT* talking to me. 

So, at dinner with my mom, it was quite comforting to know that this is not some unique condition that I've developed in isolation.  Apparently, at least in our gene pool, this is something that happens when one plans for the surrogacy experience and all that it entails. 

Anyone else coping with S.I.T.'s???

Monday, March 12, 2012

Hello, Hilton!

It's booked!  We will be taking a hit in the wallet, but I couldn't pass on the Hilton for the amenities, the cleanliness, the guaranteed hot water, the pool, and the mall.  I don't think I'll REALLY understand what summer in India is like until I get off the plane in June.  But, I am choosing to believe those who have walked this path before me, and make arrangements to have things to do inside.  
I got a room with 2 beds in case my mom is the one who comes with me.  If Harris is along, it might not hurt to have a separate bed for those last few days on the shots when I am packed with grape-sized follicles.  I tend to get a *little* touchy the last week of these meds and appreciate my space. 

It's nice to have a "home" in place!  Tonight, I'm going to go online and register my trip with the State Department just in case.  Anytime we travel abroad, we send them locations so that if there's a need to evacuate Americans quickly, we're on the list.  I'm hyper-vigilant that way.  So far, I haven't needed it, and I'm hoping by continuing to register, I'll continue not to!

On another front, apparently I mis-calculated my June cycle's start date...by 11 days.  Oh joy.  Three months to move it where I need it.  Come on biology!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

3 Months to Go...

Three months from today, I will be boarding a Lufthansa flight bound for Germany, and then India.  It's different preparing for the return than it was preparing for the initial trip over.  This time around, I am much more relaxed because I know some of the things that were unknown before.  I am not wondering what do to in the airport, how I will find safe things to eat, or what the shots & retrieval will be like.  Really, I am amazingly calm about all of this most of the time.

The only things that worry me at this point are the length of the trip I have booked (14 days) and the transportation costs if we stay at the Hilton.  I can't give myself shots (I'm a fainter!) so I would have to go to ISIS daily for those, which would add about $250 to our trip.  I know that's not a lot of money overall, but I am trying to cut corners where possible.

We still haven't decided whether Harris or my mom will go with me.  I don't think I'll be going solo though, and that's much more comfortable for me because I am a total coward with needles.  I still haven't booked the hotel room.  It's on my "to do" list for today!  Seriously, it is.  Really, I'll make a decision today.

As for other fronts, our roof is almost finished (after a month long install), the repair work inside is slated to begin this week, and we've chosen a new realtor to list our property at the end of the week.  We're hoping he's going to actually work to sell the house for us.  That would free up a bit of money to be put towards the baby-making efforts!  Fingers crossed!

To my blogging friends, sorry I've been out of touch for the last few weeks!  I'm excited to catch up on everyone's news today!!!