About Me

My photo
North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

A Good Omen...

Every step of this journey thru surrogacy has been accompanied by a private playlist of sorts that Harris and I have created.  Every step, that is, until this one.  Finding a song that fits where we are right now in this journey has been next to impossible.  Honestly, I've been looking for a while and it seemed like when a title would fit, the words would be wrong.  Or, I'd hear a piece of the song on tv or in a movie and then play it at home only to find that it was terrible and totally inappropriate. 

It was just last night that we ALL finally found our songs.  Carrie had found hers early on after we told her about the playlist.  She chose, "Can't Go Wrong" by Phillip Phillips.  Harris and I struggled because nothing fit us.  But, once we realized that was because we were together in the journey but each having our own experiences, things fell into place.  Harris' song is "500 Miles" by The Proclaimers - granted, he's going much further than that to be with me for the last half of this journey (did I mention he's decided to fly over and do a fresh sample?  BEST HUSBAND EVER!  Plus he'll be able to go to the Taj with Carrie so I can stay out of that godawful heat!). 

My song seemed obvious once I listened to it from the inside.  Rather than hearing the advice in the song, this time when I listened it was as someone who is clinging to the words as a sort of mantra for peace.  My next song on the playlist is "Let It Be" by The Beatles.

Friday, May 17, 2013

And all that comes with it...

Getting ready for the 4th attempt at IVF has been more intense this time for some reason.  Possibly that's because it's "test season" at work, possibly because I'm doing meds here before I leave and I'm still struggling to understand the new schedule (just can't seem to wrap my mind around it this time!), possibly because I'm remembering all too vividly what that heat felt like last June, possibly because I'm bringing along my amazing sister who's volunteered to be a second surrogate and I'm worried about her in a million and two ways (2nd time on a plane ever, nervous about the food, educational lessons on ultrasounds, coaching her to keep her mouth closed in the shower, paying off doctors' bills, sight seeing safety tips, and on and on and on), or possibly because this is the last shot for us with this and I know that whatever happens is final for this chapter...yeah, it's probably mostly that one with all of the other ones swirling around in my brain at the same time.

We've just marked another Mother's Day and I mourned (again) for the children that only Harris and I knew existed for so long.  It's not that I expect anyone in my support circle to actually say anything to me about having been a mother for such a brief time that it hardly seems to have existed at all.  But, in my soul, I know that there was life inside of me twice, and life brought forth from Harris and I in India once as well.  Life in India that had heartbeats...and then didn't.  No, I'm not expecting people who I've taught to tread lightly in this area to come knocking on my door with flowers or call with more words of support.  But, at the same time I want to scream that I should get some credit for trying - some acknowledgement from the universe or God or something that says, "Hey, we know what happened and there's strength in continuing the journey."  Saying Mother's Day is "agonizing" would be the understatement of the century.

All of the necessary preparations are coming together again.  Extra toiletries have been purchased, more pants and t-shirts have been found, flip-flops for heat-swollen feet are being located, and money has been wired.  I'm un-decorating my classroom next week and starting to pack that up for the summer.  Oh, and I've been scouring the Kindle free books for anything that might keep my mind occupied while in Delhi for 3 weeks in June (did I mention it'll be in JUNE, again?) because I want to be inside as much as possible.

My mind jumps between wanting to hope and needing to guard from hope.  For now, it's best just to stay busy and get thru the next few weeks.  There's certainly plenty left to do before we leave!  Come June, I want to be ready for India and all that comes with it!