About Me

My photo
North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Monday, November 26, 2012


Yes, it's not the most original title ever.  But, we are again waiting to find out the results of our FET which was done on Black Friday.  As that is basically another religious holiday in my mind, this transfer has to be getting some good vibes right off the bat. 

Two of our embryos were thawed, but only one survived.  The one that did make it was a Grade II and was transferred into our surrogate with no problems reported.  Crazy as it seems, I am hoping that with the lack of competition for space in the womb, maybe the little thing will bury itself deep within and feast away until time to be born.  Biology lessons aside, I'd like to believe this fairy tale that I've created in my mind.  Sometimes I need to believe in the reality-pushed-aside daydreams that wander thru my mind. 

We are scheduled to get results on the 7th of December, and I am PRAYING that we have reason to celebrate a steadily-rising positive beta level for Christmas this year. 

Attach and grow.
Attach and grow.
Attach and grow.
Please, attach and grow.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

How do you compare???

It's probably the most difficult thing NOT to do while going thru infertility - compare, that is.  This challenge is even greater when you work with children everyday.  I can't help but imagine my non-existent children in one scenario or another working in my little classroom beside the other children.  She (because for some reason I always imagine a girl) gets marker on her hand in Art class drawing the little turkeys, wiggles thru the monkey bars to sit up on top, and smiles from ear to ear when she gets a perfect score on her spelling test.  No, she's not really there, but she's so real in my mind.  It's that "real-ness" that keeps me/us moving forward.  How could someone who seems so real not actually become real one day???  We have to believe that she will exist one day...hopefully sooner rather than later. 

Today's comparison task has us working to pick the next person to act as our surrogate.  Having gone thru the process twice before, this is the first time we've actually forgotten to ask for profiles without pictures.  What a surprise when we opened the email and there were pictures with all of them.  Not bad, not good, just different I guess.  It almost feels like a game of chance...like a strange Vegas style task that might help us to end in the land of Mommies and Daddies.  We compare ages, talk thru the ages and dates of their last pregnancies, mull over how long it's been since the last pregnancy, and debate whether or not a vegetarian diet really makes any difference in gestation. 

When it's all said and done, once the decision is made, it's really totally and completely beyond our control.  We can compare as long as we want, but there's only one way we'll actually know we've made the right decision. 


Friday, November 9, 2012

An Update...

First, our payment has been received for doing an FET cycle with another surrogate in India.  The new profiles for the ladies should come in around the 14th of the month, with the potential transfer date being the 23rd or 24th as it stands right now.  After much debate, Harris and I did decide to use 2 of the 4 embryos we have in reserve for this transfer.  When all was said and done, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is the "wise" thing to do if it doesn't feel right for us.  We just couldn't see putting all of the embryos in at one time because then we'd be right back at square one with nothing left if it failed.  How much would that totally suck, right?!

The second front, kind of a sub-front to the first one about the FET cycle, is that Harris went to a fertility clinic in Raleigh yesterday and gave another "sample" for them to send away for further analysis.  We've run all of the standard tests and even with the karotyping done after this last miscarriage there was nothing to explain why the pregnancies end in the first trimester time and again.  So, we decided to go ahead with the DNA Fragmentation testing that I was told about.  We only did the first level of testing (SESA test is the name, I think), but that will take it down to a DNA level that looks for any missing pieces as best I can tell.  There's a secondary test that goes down even further (called a FISH test, I think, or something similar) that we could do...should we decide to shell out even more money because insurance doesn't cover it.  The main reason we went ahead with this is actually because I had someone tell me about this test who had gone thru 3 miscarriages herself and then another one or two with a surrogate.  It was because of this test that she was able to find out that her husband's, um, well, you know, "stuff" was missing pieces all over the place and that any pregnancy would never be able to come to term because of the missing pieces.  She said that they finally had some answers as to that mysterious diagnosis of "recurrent miscarriage" that had plagued her for so long.  While having that information would be really sad, it would also offer us a reason as to why things continue to fall apart time and again with each pregnancy.  That unknown factor is a huge part of the frustration that comes with infertility.  There are so many different opinions that point to one thing or another - but never agree.  So, the chance to have a real explanation is worth the money, at this point, and if it comes back with anything that makes sense.  Because NCCRM only ships off their samples to a contracted lab on Wednesdays, it will be 3-4 weeks from Wednesday of next week before we get any information.  Of course, by that time, we'll probably also have the results of the FET cycle.  Should we have waited for those results before doing the FET cycle?  I don't know.  We didn't find out about the test until after we'd sent the money a few weeks ago. 

In regard to our robbery, we have FINALLY purchased a set of doors to replace the damaged ones.  The plan is to have them up by the end of the weekend so they're in place before Harris goes to his turf conference next week.  Being here alone with plywood standing between me and the outdoors didn't sit too well.  I'd be a zombie by the time he got back on Wednesday because I'd not sleep a wink the entire time if the old doors were not replaced!

So, that's our update for now.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  As the holidays approach, things do become more difficult and I find myself getting weepy (and somewhat more irritable) a little bit more easily.  It sure would be nice to have another stocking hanging on the mantle next year at this time...