About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Taking a Day Away...

Wednesday would've been the day when we arrived in India for baby pick-up.  To be honest, for the last few weeks, I've had both dreams and nightmares about phantom babies.  Each time, the dreams are short and I usually wake up with a start and just lie there shocked and sad.  But, a couple of times, I've dreamed of a little girl and when I would wake up, I could actually still smell that new baby scent - the mixture of diaper cream and baby powder.  I swear that I actually could feel little fingers in that dream.  Crazy, right?  Pathetic, probably?  I have given myself the pep talks and the suck-it-up talks over and over for the last month. 

Finally, I gave in and decided to take Wednesday off from work to allow myself to grieve for what wasn't and allow myself to just feel whatever I felt.  Harris took off from work as well and we spent most of the day together.  We didn't do anything to special - went for a drive, listened to the radio, he got a haircut, we had dinner at Moe's, and we just spent time together.  It was nice.


  1. That's great to hear you did that, its so important to grieve. Sending you all my love and strength x x x

  2. Oh and in answer to your questions no definitely NOT crazy or pathetic. It sounds like normal healthy heartfelt grieving to me. You are special and you have a big heart filled with love x x x

  3. I have grieved just as you have...I internalized mine more, though..I'm so glad that you and Harris have each other...nothing will take away the pain, but at least it's not tearing you two apart...many positive vibes your way...good luck on your upcoming retrieval!! Many good vibes your way!!

  4. I agree with Shakti. It's not crazy or pathetic at all. I didn't experience what you did, but even transfers that resulted in a negative pregnancy test took time to get over. I'm glad you and Harris took time for yourself. It's part of your story. Hopefully the next part will be some great news.