About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Friday, May 17, 2013

And all that comes with it...

Getting ready for the 4th attempt at IVF has been more intense this time for some reason.  Possibly that's because it's "test season" at work, possibly because I'm doing meds here before I leave and I'm still struggling to understand the new schedule (just can't seem to wrap my mind around it this time!), possibly because I'm remembering all too vividly what that heat felt like last June, possibly because I'm bringing along my amazing sister who's volunteered to be a second surrogate and I'm worried about her in a million and two ways (2nd time on a plane ever, nervous about the food, educational lessons on ultrasounds, coaching her to keep her mouth closed in the shower, paying off doctors' bills, sight seeing safety tips, and on and on and on), or possibly because this is the last shot for us with this and I know that whatever happens is final for this chapter...yeah, it's probably mostly that one with all of the other ones swirling around in my brain at the same time.

We've just marked another Mother's Day and I mourned (again) for the children that only Harris and I knew existed for so long.  It's not that I expect anyone in my support circle to actually say anything to me about having been a mother for such a brief time that it hardly seems to have existed at all.  But, in my soul, I know that there was life inside of me twice, and life brought forth from Harris and I in India once as well.  Life in India that had heartbeats...and then didn't.  No, I'm not expecting people who I've taught to tread lightly in this area to come knocking on my door with flowers or call with more words of support.  But, at the same time I want to scream that I should get some credit for trying - some acknowledgement from the universe or God or something that says, "Hey, we know what happened and there's strength in continuing the journey."  Saying Mother's Day is "agonizing" would be the understatement of the century.

All of the necessary preparations are coming together again.  Extra toiletries have been purchased, more pants and t-shirts have been found, flip-flops for heat-swollen feet are being located, and money has been wired.  I'm un-decorating my classroom next week and starting to pack that up for the summer.  Oh, and I've been scouring the Kindle free books for anything that might keep my mind occupied while in Delhi for 3 weeks in June (did I mention it'll be in JUNE, again?) because I want to be inside as much as possible.

My mind jumps between wanting to hope and needing to guard from hope.  For now, it's best just to stay busy and get thru the next few weeks.  There's certainly plenty left to do before we leave!  Come June, I want to be ready for India and all that comes with it!


  1. Oh Allie, I just want to give you a hug. I know how painful mother's day can be, and not many people can understand how much pain we have to endure inside of us on a commercialized holiday. I wish you the best of luck on this trip, sending you loads of baby dusts and positive vibes!

    1. I will take all the baby dust, positive thoughts, prayers, and anything else that can be sent our way as we make this trip! THANK YOU!

    2. Dear Allie and Harris
      I am a fellow traveller and we have stayed at the same apartments in new Delhi I cannot express how very much I am traveling with you and sending out love prayers and sincere best wishes
      As Winston Churchill said Never never never give up

  2. I've been a silent follower but this post compelled me to comment and share. You are every bit a mother as anyone else and I'm sending you belated Mother's Day love. Here is a post I wrote about it and you can find it on my blog too at http://angelheartsforever.blogspot.com/

    "Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are celebrating the day empty handed due to a loss or because your child has yet to make it to your arms. You are just as much a mother as the woman who has 12 kids tagging along after her. You are a mother in your heart, you go through the pain of treatments and negatives, but you are already a mother putting forth more as a mother to bring your children here, than so many others. Babyloss moms, you have endured the most tragic and important job a mother could ever do for her child. Sending them off from this life with love and honor and respect. Being strong and keeping their memory alive. Doing this while grieving and heartbroken in a society who minimizes the greatest effort a mother could possibly do.... letting go. It's a shame that Mother's Day is the way it is, alienating and separating women, rewarding some, degrading and ignoring others due to things they have no control over. If anything, Mother's Day should lift up those who are Mother's in their heart but not in their hands because ultimately, the mother's getting all the praise and fluff HAVE their greatest gift already, their children. And now that I have experienced Mother's Days as an infertile, a baby loss momma, and as a mother of living children, I can say that the difficulties of raising children-the exhaustion, the sacrifices, the worry, etc. is NOTHING compared to the lifelong grief I carry for the child who cannot be with me. Happy Mother's Day to you all. XOXO"

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Melanie. It's very validating that you are able to celebrate with your children on Mother's Day AND remember how hard that day was as a person with infertility. THANKS for sharing this post with me!

    2. Melanie, what a great post. I love that you said that it should be a holiday for people who are mothers in the hearts, not their hands. As a two dad household Mother's Day certainly poses some questions in my life too, although I understand it is for very different reasons. Your perspective makes the holiday so much more inclusive and I'll try to remember that for next year. Thank you.

      And as for Allie, you know I'm a big fan of you and your blog. I'll send you all the baby dust I have too. :-)

  3. Btw we have a positive experience and

  4. We pray that you do to
    You deserve this and much more
    Love from your fellow traveller in Oz

  5. Good luck Allie.
    You ARE a Mummy already. Melanie is right, the rest of the world can be ignorant and cruel.
    Wishing you all the love luck and babydust in the world. X o x o x o