About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Holding Pattern...

We received the report from India this morning, and it's not decisive either way really.  The subchorionic hemorrhage has changed dimensions and shrunk overall which is good (from 12x3 mm to 10x4 mm).  The gestational sac has become more well defined, which is also good.  But, there is no embryo in the sac that can be made out or characterized as having a heartbeat at this time, which is not good news.  Sometimes, according to our dr, this happens later.  I've heard from several people, who are also going down this road, that they didn't get heartbeats until 7 weeks.  That would put us in line for the scan next week.  So, they are going to repeat the scan then and let us know.  We're very thankful that the clinic hasn't given up on this yet, and will only call it if there's nothing there in the next scan.  Likewise, decidual reaction also continues to be weak, also not good.

As you can see, this is never going to be a "Hey, we're pregnant!  Let's celebrate with everyone we know!" situation - EVER.  One of the things that sucks most about all of this is the continued fear that this will once again result in a miscarriage and we'll be back at square one.   Harris and I are trying to balance our hope and our fear, but it's a struggle.  It has also reaffirmed our decision to not share this news.  The worst feeling in the world (so far for us) is when you find out you've lost a pregnancy.  The second worst is having to tell people who then need us to help them grieve.  We cannot bear having to console others during that time, and can only hope that when we are successful - because that day will come - the people who were left out of the loop will come to understand our reasoning.  It's all we can do to keep it together during these kind of waits, we simply aren't able to pull anyone new along with us.

Thank you for your continued support, prayers, and words of encouragement as we climb out of what is fast becoming another sinkhole in our road to have children.  Sorry I don't have better news.

20 comments:

  1. Lighting boxes and boxes of candles for you this week, and praying the many Gods of Delhi kick it into gear for an incredibly deserving couple. Hugs from Dehli!

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  2. We will be holding you in our thoughts over the next few weeks.

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  3. You know that we can all completely relate to everything you have said here and know that we are all thinking of you

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  4. oh girlie - I am so sorry to hear this news. Hopefully it will turn better for you guys by next week. You are in my thoughts.

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  5. Saying a prayer that your bub has a heartbeat next week. Hugs to you and Harris.

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  6. Know exactly how you feel... we too stopped telling people of our tries.... and then we were so very succesful as we know you will be. Thinking of you at this time...c'mon heartbeat!

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  7. Sending many many many positive vibes to India. Really hope the week goes by quickly and you get some good news at the end of it!! Thinking of you xx

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  8. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for good news next week.

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  9. We will be thinking of you this week, yes we can certainly relate to not telling as not wanting to have to help others grieve when the worst happens, I've experienced the pain recently of helping my mother grieve at a time I'm struggling to grieve myself. Hoing and praying it doesn't come to that and that this is your turn. X Sr x

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  10. Crossing everything for you....it's a hard road at times but will be worth it

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  11. I wish the news was more comforting. We are all praying for you. I agree that it is too hard to help others grieve when you feel just shattered yourself, best to keep it quiet til you feel safe and secure. Hugs from Canada.

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  12. Checking for a heartbeat at only 6 weeks has always seemed early to me. Hopefully your little one just needs those extra few days. This next week of waiting is probably going to be rough...we'll be thinking about you guys.

    Fingers crossed for you and Harris.

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  13. Thoughts and prayers going out to you two....

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  14. Thinking about you guys and keeping all digits crossed!

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  15. Hang in there guys...fingers crossed!

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  16. sending you big squeezy hugs, thinking of you guys with my fingers and toes crossed x

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  17. Everything you have experessed sums up this experience to a T. I too remember those weeks of hoping and waiting for things to be better on the next scan, and I remember telling too many people too soon. Everyone was so supportive yet the platitudes were often too much to take. I often wished I had kept things to the "need to know" group only. I am thinking and pulling for you, as are so many others in the annonomous world of blogs.

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  18. Hi guys, we are both thinking of you and desperately willing your little bean to hang in there safe and sound.
    Hang in there - we are all hanging in there with you.
    (((hugs)))

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  19. I am praying for a change in circumstances and a heartbeat for your next scan. ARGHHH this is such a tough tough journey!!

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  20. Sending supportive and nurturing thoughts from our family to yours at such a difficult time.

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