About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Something to look forward to...

Kerotyping results were returned and showed no abnormalities of any kind with the tissue recovered from the D&C procedure.  On one hand, we're relieved that there was nothing which would indicate further problems in the future for pregnancies.  But, and this is a whopper of a but, what the heck happened?  For crying out loud, don't we deserve an answer?!?!  What in the world has kept us from continuing in the pregnancies (any of the 3) prior to the end of the first trimester?  Why do things just go from great to nothing with no explanation?!?!

Beyond that, where does that leave us in the process?  We still have the 4 embryos, and we want to try again with surrogacy since they're there.  Honestly, we're just scared.  Neither of us are happy about the thought of another cycle right now, but we're also not thrilled with the idea of not doing another round.  In our hearts we both believe that we're supposed to be parents to our own biological child.  We're not suffering from egg quality issues, and the ICSI process eliminates any issue with Harris' sperm, so why do things not come to a successful completion?

As you can tell, we're also still mucking our way thru the grieving process.  Maybe we should be "over it" by now.  It's proving harder than we thought to find closure on that loss.  I did go to my MD and have him prescribe an anti-anxiety medication for at least the next little while until things somewhat return to a normal state for us (as our "normal" is a far cry from the "normal" others experience).  I resisted it, but then I thought - nah, screw it, I need the help.  Apparently Harris thought so too because he took the day off and insisted on driving me to the appointment, the entire time mumbling something under his breath about wanting his wife back and being out of Kleenex.  Hmm, and I thought I was keeping such a brave face - ha ha! 

On a final note, my cousin died last week after a short and intense battle with cancer.  By the time they discovered it, the tumors were thru her entire body and she only lived about a month.  She was barely 50, and so close to her family that her only regret would be not getting to spend more time with them.  She had truly lived the life she wanted, and that point was shared by all who spoke at her funeral.  What a powerful statement.  How many people really get to do that in life???  While it was the hardest funeral I'd ever been to (because I was grieving two losses in addition to that one), it also made me start thinking about where we are in our lives right now.  Things I've been putting on hold - like grad school, replacing my 15 year old car, and traveling to places that aren't India - suddenly shifted back into focus.  I love my husband, and I love our life together with the one exception of the child-free living situation.  I don't want to lose the intimacy of our life together for the sake of trying to create a life together.  Does that make sense?  We have to make plans for something that doesn't revolve around making babies or traveling to get what we need to make babies, etc.

In that spirit, I am going to work on plans for a trip somewhere that has clear water, palm trees, and drinks served in coconut shells with little umbrellas.  I think we both desperately need to get away and ESCAPE from it all.  In the meantime, I'm feeling up just looking thru the places on the beach in faraway lands.  I can almost feel the sunshine on my face now...and this is the song in my head.


  1. Allie- You eloquently expressed how I have felt so many times on this infertility roller coaster. It seems that the higher you get the harder you fall. I am so sorry and I think it’s great you & Harris are taking time together.

  2. Allie, it's so easy to get "stuck" in moments isn't it? When we were doing IVF we kept saying, well we can't plan this or that because we might be.... The problem was nothing ever happened and we were getting bogged down in the endless frustration of trying to get pregnant. It wasn't until a family member said you cant put your whole life on hold waiting for something to happen. It was light a light coming on in our minds - we then decided to just plan our life and if we need to change plans then thats what we would do. It sure was a better way to live - with good things like holidays and family catch ups to plan and look forward to.

    Putting yourself out there is so scary as the thought of it not working again is, well just terrifying and truly heartbreaking. As a person who has spent quite a bit of time sobbing on the floor after getting yet another negative result it takes a lot of guts to try again. We also never got an answer as to the "why".

    The last time I was sobbing on the floor though was quite different as it was tears of joy and happiness at the news of our daughters birth.

    After a very long 10 years of waiting we now have 2 beautiful daughters and are still happily making plans for the future but are very much living in the moment xx

  3. I think the plannIng of a trip may be just what you need. (Hugs)

  4. Hi Allie sometimes we never know why really bad things happen and if only we could predict the future we would feel more comfortable in making decision's. I think a little break helps to restore your authentic self. It's near impossible to make a decision when you can't hear your heart over the analysing we do when our world has been tipped upside down. Take care of yourself and may the sunshine help heal your soul xx

  5. Yes sounds like you two need a trip. Be kind to yourselves please x

  6. Just sending you big warm hugs and hope a ray of sunshine will give you a ray of hope aswell. Because I think your chanses still are good.

  7. Thanks for this reminder. We always have to remember to take time out for ourselves and the people we love so that we can BE ourselves. I haven't done a very good job of that recently and I'm just starting to do treat myself more. Hope to see some beautiful vacation pictures on this blog soon.

  8. “Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson and from me big hugs xx