Beyond that, where does that leave us in the process? We still have the 4 embryos, and we want to try again with surrogacy since they're there. Honestly, we're just scared. Neither of us are happy about the thought of another cycle right now, but we're also not thrilled with the idea of not doing another round. In our hearts we both believe that we're supposed to be parents to our own biological child. We're not suffering from egg quality issues, and the ICSI process eliminates any issue with Harris' sperm, so why do things not come to a successful completion?
As you can tell, we're also still mucking our way thru the grieving process. Maybe we should be "over it" by now. It's proving harder than we thought to find closure on that loss. I did go to my MD and have him prescribe an anti-anxiety medication for at least the next little while until things somewhat return to a normal state for us (as our "normal" is a far cry from the "normal" others experience). I resisted it, but then I thought - nah, screw it, I need the help. Apparently Harris thought so too because he took the day off and insisted on driving me to the appointment, the entire time mumbling something under his breath about wanting his wife back and being out of Kleenex. Hmm, and I thought I was keeping such a brave face - ha ha!
On a final note, my cousin died last week after a short and intense battle with cancer. By the time they discovered it, the tumors were thru her entire body and she only lived about a month. She was barely 50, and so close to her family that her only regret would be not getting to spend more time with them. She had truly lived the life she wanted, and that point was shared by all who spoke at her funeral. What a powerful statement. How many people really get to do that in life??? While it was the hardest funeral I'd ever been to (because I was grieving two losses in addition to that one), it also made me start thinking about where we are in our lives right now. Things I've been putting on hold - like grad school, replacing my 15 year old car, and traveling to places that aren't India - suddenly shifted back into focus. I love my husband, and I love our life together with the one exception of the child-free living situation. I don't want to lose the intimacy of our life together for the sake of trying to create a life together. Does that make sense? We have to make plans for something that doesn't revolve around making babies or traveling to get what we need to make babies, etc.
In that spirit, I am going to work on plans for a trip somewhere that has clear water, palm trees, and drinks served in coconut shells with little umbrellas. I think we both desperately need to get away and ESCAPE from it all. In the meantime, I'm feeling up just looking thru the places on the beach in faraway lands. I can almost feel the sunshine on my face now...and this is the song in my head.