About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Same Coin, Different Sides...

Ramblings from my cluttered mind...

In the midst of all that's been going on, I've thought a lot about how things seem to suddenly turn on a dime.  Honestly, it seems like sometimes all of the metaphors that accompany some of life's adventures are aptly suited to be compared to money as they often are linked hand in hand with money.  For instance, despite our losses, I can be ecstatic about my friend's pregnancy carrying her twins and plan to fly up for her baby shower this weekend.  I can feel both sad and happy at the same time - same coin, different side.  There's also the way that we are able to think about moving forward with the remaining 4 embryos but wonder if it's really a gamble to use all 4 now, despite the fact that this would be our last shot for a while most likely - kind of like flipping a coin to decide on implanting 2 vs. 4 (heads = 2?).  Finally, there's the actual money part of it.  Our coins in this process have all been willingly handed over in the name of trying to have our biological child.  We choose not to update our home, replace our cars, or buy a new tv in the event that we might need to hold onto those pennies, nickels, and dimes for the sake of another pregnancy. 

So, where are we?  Well, we are here.  We are okay.  We are trying to make plans to move forward.  Harris and I are waiting to hear from someone at SCI about the different price that we'd pay for just doing a frozen embryo transfer.  Plus, we're also waiting to see how our surrogate is doing and if she'd be interested in the *possibility* of doing another round for us.  Are we sure we want to use her again?  No.  But, at the same time, she got pregnant and there was nothing that happened for her to have lost the pregnancy.  It's something we're considering.  We're also thinking about what will be the most ideal timing for this cycle because I do NOT want to receive a phone call on a school day again where I have to deal with the day and the children if it's bad news.  Understanding that there is nothing within our control in this entire process beyond the initial decisions, I'd still like to try and plan as best as possible. 

Another question that Harris and I have been tossing around has to do with whether or not a frozen transfer is the best idea for us because, frankly, I'm becoming less of a spring chicken every year.  What if this doesn't work?  We won't have the money to do this again for a while and should we try to do another retrieval so that there are embryos banked over there?  What kind of price difference are we looking at?  Is there really that much difference between the cost of a FET vs. a fresh cycle?  These are the things that run thru my mind, and I hope to have answers for very soon.  As for Harris' swimmers-on-ice over there, the storage fee is coming up soon - December, to be precise.  If we did a fresh cycle over there, maybe it would be best to consider the storage fee ($500/yr) in our overall costs.  Having fertilized embryos that we pay to store is one thing, but having only one component that we're paying to store is different somehow in my mind...I can't explain that one, but it is just different. 

So, in conclusion, we're getting on with living.  We're hanging in there, and making the days pass as efficiently and positively as we're able.  To quote one of my all time favorite films (Sleepless in Seattle), "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

Hopefully, that day will come soon in the form of another BFP celebration that's followed by the most boring 8 months possible, and concludes with a celebration of life heard around the world as we FINALLY get our baby.  


  1. Allie, I like the dime association, yes we find it usually comes mostly down to money. We are spending half our savings for a house deposit on surrogacy and living with my folks. In a parallel life we'd have been in our own place, own space, not worrying about babies at least til next year.
    I would say consider givingyourself the highest chance of success next time round, how about a fresh and frozen cycle in tandem with two surrogates? How about alternatively using one surrogate with donor eggs and one with your own frozen eggs? Would you consider donor eggs? I ended up glad I didnt have my own to use, it took away huge layers of complexity and fast tracked us to actually high chances of pregnancy with donor eggs, & I'm very much "the mummy" in every way. I'm the one who'd do absolutely anything for this child and I'm the one who worries day and night about its welfare. If thats not because I'm the mum then perhaps I've missed somethig about parenthood.
    Genetics means little to me in that way.
    Also I see now how we've been given a whole new life to lead, Holland or whereever we are heading really looks great to me, we've learnt so much and built ourselves up as people so we'll make even better parents than we might have if we had been handed our genetic child from my own birth. Sometimes I speak with a friend and they seem so emotionally immature, they havnt grown through trauma like us. I see it like a badge of honour and im proud to have survived, you should be proud too. Back to the donor egg topic, just my Outlook but I find this is all soul destroying enough but if you know you've reduced chances from the outset, I'd see it as worse if it doesn't work. In that way you could put it all into this and say its your final try?Though I do also hear from you that you may prefer to know there are still options if this cycle doesnt work...so perhaps all out isn't an option for you.
    I wish you had a friend willing to be a surrogate for you. I presume you've tried that route.
    Sending you love in abundance, tons of strength and hope x x

  2. Here's the thing. You can't make the wrong decision. You can analyze, plot and rehash every scenario a zillion times, but nothing is a guarantee. Go with your gut and hope for the best. There are so many variables within this process that cannot be planned, managed or controlled. Have confidence in your decision and you will have no regrets. Would love to catch up this weekend if you are in the area.

  3. I love the quote at the end of your blog. Glad to see that your head is in that spot knowing that things are tough but will get easier. I agree with Bernadette's comments, too, that it's so hard to know what's right and wrong in this crazy process. My mom helped me get through my process by saying, "You make the best decision at that moment given the facts at that particular time." I always thought, "But what if later..." and that would make me stuck. So I know you have a ton of choices in front of you know, but go with your gut. I went against doctor recommendations for my egg donor and followed my gut and it worked. I think there is something to following your gut. I'm still thinking about you and your journey and hoping for a boring 9 months and then a wonderful celebration. Keep posting, please.