In the midst of all that's been going on, I've thought a lot about how things seem to suddenly turn on a dime. Honestly, it seems like sometimes all of the metaphors that accompany some of life's adventures are aptly suited to be compared to money as they often are linked hand in hand with money. For instance, despite our losses, I can be ecstatic about my friend's pregnancy carrying her twins and plan to fly up for her baby shower this weekend. I can feel both sad and happy at the same time - same coin, different side. There's also the way that we are able to think about moving forward with the remaining 4 embryos but wonder if it's really a gamble to use all 4 now, despite the fact that this would be our last shot for a while most likely - kind of like flipping a coin to decide on implanting 2 vs. 4 (heads = 2?). Finally, there's the actual money part of it. Our coins in this process have all been willingly handed over in the name of trying to have our biological child. We choose not to update our home, replace our cars, or buy a new tv in the event that we might need to hold onto those pennies, nickels, and dimes for the sake of another pregnancy.
So, where are we? Well, we are here. We are okay. We are trying to make plans to move forward. Harris and I are waiting to hear from someone at SCI about the different price that we'd pay for just doing a frozen embryo transfer. Plus, we're also waiting to see how our surrogate is doing and if she'd be interested in the *possibility* of doing another round for us. Are we sure we want to use her again? No. But, at the same time, she got pregnant and there was nothing that happened for her to have lost the pregnancy. It's something we're considering. We're also thinking about what will be the most ideal timing for this cycle because I do NOT want to receive a phone call on a school day again where I have to deal with the day and the children if it's bad news. Understanding that there is nothing within our control in this entire process beyond the initial decisions, I'd still like to try and plan as best as possible.
Another question that Harris and I have been tossing around has to do with whether or not a frozen transfer is the best idea for us because, frankly, I'm becoming less of a spring chicken every year. What if this doesn't work? We won't have the money to do this again for a while and should we try to do another retrieval so that there are embryos banked over there? What kind of price difference are we looking at? Is there really that much difference between the cost of a FET vs. a fresh cycle? These are the things that run thru my mind, and I hope to have answers for very soon. As for Harris' swimmers-on-ice over there, the storage fee is coming up soon - December, to be precise. If we did a fresh cycle over there, maybe it would be best to consider the storage fee ($500/yr) in our overall costs. Having fertilized embryos that we pay to store is one thing, but having only one component that we're paying to store is different somehow in my mind...I can't explain that one, but it is just different.
So, in conclusion, we're getting on with living. We're hanging in there, and making the days pass as efficiently and positively as we're able. To quote one of my all time favorite films (Sleepless in Seattle), "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."
Hopefully, that day will come soon in the form of another BFP celebration that's followed by the most boring 8 months possible, and concludes with a celebration of life heard around the world as we FINALLY get our baby.