About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

How do you compare???

It's probably the most difficult thing NOT to do while going thru infertility - compare, that is.  This challenge is even greater when you work with children everyday.  I can't help but imagine my non-existent children in one scenario or another working in my little classroom beside the other children.  She (because for some reason I always imagine a girl) gets marker on her hand in Art class drawing the little turkeys, wiggles thru the monkey bars to sit up on top, and smiles from ear to ear when she gets a perfect score on her spelling test.  No, she's not really there, but she's so real in my mind.  It's that "real-ness" that keeps me/us moving forward.  How could someone who seems so real not actually become real one day???  We have to believe that she will exist one day...hopefully sooner rather than later. 

Today's comparison task has us working to pick the next person to act as our surrogate.  Having gone thru the process twice before, this is the first time we've actually forgotten to ask for profiles without pictures.  What a surprise when we opened the email and there were pictures with all of them.  Not bad, not good, just different I guess.  It almost feels like a game of chance...like a strange Vegas style task that might help us to end in the land of Mommies and Daddies.  We compare ages, talk thru the ages and dates of their last pregnancies, mull over how long it's been since the last pregnancy, and debate whether or not a vegetarian diet really makes any difference in gestation. 

When it's all said and done, once the decision is made, it's really totally and completely beyond our control.  We can compare as long as we want, but there's only one way we'll actually know we've made the right decision. 



  1. Keep fighting for want you know will be yours someday. Fight for your daughter because one day you will be a great mom to her - and you can tell her never to give up on her dreams!

  2. I agree, keep fighting! I also worked with lids, its so hard. But one day all this work with kids will be a blessing as you'll understand your own child that much more!
    Picking a surrogate is tough, but like you say its pot luck. Of our two surrogates it was the proven surrogate who had a SCH causing a 9wk m/c, you never can tell.
    Good luck! Stay positive honey x x

  3. Keep going Allie, your dream little girl will be a reality some day very soon. Thinking of you.

  4. Thinking of you guys and wishing you lots of luck!

  5. Thinking of you and wishing you loads of luck.

  6. I remember being paralyzed with fear about so many decisions. I didn't know who the right egg donor would be, who the right surrogate was, who the right doctor was to pick and my mom would always say to me, "You make the best decision at the time with the information you currently have...not the what ifs." She'd also say, "Just put one foot in front of the other. Stopping won't get you there." Those two things helped me make decision when this whole process felt like a total crap shoot. It sounds like you already know that and maybe this comment will just give you support in an uncertain time. I wish you luck as you keep making decisions and peace with whatever decision you make.