About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

What's next?

A question that continuously runs thru the mind in the moments when life offers "down time" to a person struggling with infertility, and one that is running thru one possibility after another.  My mind constantly races to think thru scenario 1, 2, 2a, 3, and 4b.  It's like having an iPod hooked up with bluetooth hard-wired directly to my brain.  I think back thru the years and years of fertility treatments, the different doctors in different states, the articles in books/magazines/newspapers/journals that I've read, the stories I've watched on television, and the webinars I've listened to.  With all of that information, with all of those scenarios executed, and with all of those years invested, how could we still have nothing to show for it?  How is it possible that there is still no actual, living, breathing, growing child in our house that calls us mom and dad?  I mean, really, we're hard workers - unafraid of a challenge, always willing to invest extra hours and effort in order to reach a goal.  This is certainly why we are so frustrated at this point.  Despite all of those things, we're still coming up empty. 

We sat in a booth last night eating Chinese food and mulling over our options.  As in any conversation about infertility, our ages come up in conversation almost right away.  Harris is already 35, and I'll be the same age in May of 2013.  I hear the tick-tock of my biological clock echoing like a voice in a cave.  Ironically, I'd always planned to gift myself a hysterectomy for the big 3-5 because insurance would cover it.  That's totally not in the plans now.

So, the question lingers, what's next?  We are debating a couple of possibilities:
  1. Not doing another FET cycle and instead doing another fresh cycle in June (because, apparently, the universe hates me and wants me to have a heatstroke on the other side of the planet).  We'd for sure get more eggs to work with and, hopefully, this time make a baby that lives.  We've had 3 miscarriages now in the 1st trimester, and there's no explanation as to what went wrong.  Likewise, there are no assurances that it won't happen again.  Harris put it best last night when he said, "What's the number that makes it time to stop?  10?  6?  3?  Is there a number?  When do we say enough is enough?" 
  2. Putting off doing another cycle completely and working with the South Koreans to complete an international adoption.  This option guarantees us a child in the end, and that is really appealing right now.  Once you hit a certain age range, adoption agencies start looking at you cross-eyed when you apply because you're too old for that too apparently.  If we went this route, we'd still be able to apply with savings in the bank.  If we did another fresh cycle first, we'd be forced to take complete financing for the adoption process and we don't know how that would be viewed.  This is in the early stage of research, and I'm not sure about a lot of things that go along with it right now.  One of my parents at school has done it, and the process was SUPER quick for her.  Their second son was ready for pick-up within 5-6 months.  That's a very appealing time-frame for me today.  
At the time of year when parents are buying their gifts from Santa, families are picking out and decorating Christmas trees, and memories are being made by 1st time parents, I find myself (and Harris) feeling more and more alone.  In part, we've done it to ourselves by not sharing what we're dealing with.  But, at the same time, there's only so much comfort that can be taken from people who have no experience dealing with the sense of longing that is so very present at this time of year. 

Somedays are better than others, and tomorrow is another day.  We will figure things out.  We are not giving up.


  1. I almost know exactly what you are going through. We have 3 fresh cycles under our belt, with never a pregnancy. We have a FET coming up in Jan and that is it for us. Enough is enough. I completely understand the feeling of just not knowing what to do next. I also understand how the holidays just make it harder. So, just wanted to share that you are not alone. Hope this helps a little.

  2. Sending you lots of strength and a clear mind. This is such a rollercoaster and I hope you can have your own child very soon - whatever decision you make.

    We got pregnant with our daughter on our first try to conceive ever. Despite my 25 weeks of hyperemesis, it was such a pleasure to be pregnant, too. And all the sudden, they took my perfect, ultimate uterus away and we had to fight hard in order to have our second child. (I can tell you, that if you wish for 2 children, there is little comfort in people saying "at least you had one child". It might be true but still, 2 was what you wished for. Having a second child was for us exactly as big desire as having the first one!) Of course, it has all been worth every moment of worrying and fighting but I am so happy today that this is all behind us now. This is the feeling that I wish for you, too. Just to be able to look back and feel: "yes, it was incredibly hard, but we made it!"

  3. I hope you find a decision right for you, I'd go adoption route if its a more certain and has chance of success..its not so easy from the uk....but that's just me....that's why we switched from de ivf to surrogacy. Hugs** x

  4. It's obvious you two are fighters, don't give up on your dreams.

  5. Just follow your heart although I understand that finances ultimately guide us unfortunately...nothing in infertility is cheap or free...self cycle, adoption...either way...you will be a mom and dad...and that's what matters...you might want to consider egg donors as well...i found that seems to be a cheaper route than adoption...we would love to adopt as well..our age is against us as well as the fear of forking out $25000 and the mom changing her mind or it just falling through for some reason.....im for trying all three options, if finances prevail...shoot for the moon, you know?? Take care and don't forget, we are all here for you...and understand your pain and fears all too well...God Bless...

  6. Hang in there Allie. I'm so sorry that this didn't work out. I know you guys will figure out the path...and in the end you WILL have a beautiful child to fulfill that space in your lives. <3

  7. We fought infertility for 8 years but still never gave up the dream of being parents.We were willing to go to the ends of the earth and back for it.It felt like we did.We finally decided on local adoption and surrogacy.After being on the list for 2 years our dream came true and we now have a baby girl!!Soon after,we found out the surrogate route was also a success.So here we are,after years of heartache,with persistence and determination we have been blessed with 2 children.This whole experience has made me a believer that anything is possible...I feel for you...

  8. My husband and I have been reading your blog for a while, as we have struggled with these decisions. I just wanted to thank you for sharing how difficult it is to know which direction to take.