What's next?

A question that continuously runs thru the mind in the moments when life offers "down time" to a person struggling with infertility, and one that is running thru one possibility after another.  My mind constantly races to think thru scenario 1, 2, 2a, 3, and 4b.  It's like having an iPod hooked up with bluetooth hard-wired directly to my brain.  I think back thru the years and years of fertility treatments, the different doctors in different states, the articles in books/magazines/newspapers/journals that I've read, the stories I've watched on television, and the webinars I've listened to.  With all of that information, with all of those scenarios executed, and with all of those years invested, how could we still have nothing to show for it?  How is it possible that there is still no actual, living, breathing, growing child in our house that calls us mom and dad?  I mean, really, we're hard workers - unafraid of a challenge, always willing to invest extra hours and effort in order to reach a goal.  This is certainly why we are so frustrated at this point.  Despite all of those things, we're still coming up empty. 

We sat in a booth last night eating Chinese food and mulling over our options.  As in any conversation about infertility, our ages come up in conversation almost right away.  Harris is already 35, and I'll be the same age in May of 2013.  I hear the tick-tock of my biological clock echoing like a voice in a cave.  Ironically, I'd always planned to gift myself a hysterectomy for the big 3-5 because insurance would cover it.  That's totally not in the plans now.

So, the question lingers, what's next?  We are debating a couple of possibilities:

1. Not doing another FET cycle and instead doing another fresh cycle in June (because, apparently, the universe hates me and wants me to have a heatstroke on the other side of the planet).  We'd for sure get more eggs to work with and, hopefully, this time make a baby that lives.  We've had 3 miscarriages now in the 1st trimester, and there's no explanation as to what went wrong.  Likewise, there are no assurances that it won't happen again.  Harris put it best last night when he said, "What's the number that makes it time to stop?  10?  6?  3?  Is there a number?  When do we say enough is enough?" 
2. Putting off doing another cycle completely and working with the South Koreans to complete an international adoption.  This option guarantees us a child in the end, and that is really appealing right now.  Once you hit a certain age range, adoption agencies start looking at you cross-eyed when you apply because you're too old for that too apparently.  If we went this route, we'd still be able to apply with savings in the bank.  If we did another fresh cycle first, we'd be forced to take complete financing for the adoption process and we don't know how that would be viewed.  This is in the early stage of research, and I'm not sure about a lot of things that go along with it right now.  One of my parents at school has done it, and the process was SUPER quick for her.  Their second son was ready for pick-up within 5-6 months.  That's a very appealing time-frame for me today.  

At the time of year when parents are buying their gifts from Santa, families are picking out and decorating Christmas trees, and memories are being made by 1st time parents, I find myself (and Harris) feeling more and more alone.  In part, we've done it to ourselves by not sharing what we're dealing with.  But, at the same time, there's only so much comfort that can be taken from people who have no experience dealing with the sense of longing that is so very present at this time of year. 

Somedays are better than others, and tomorrow is another day.  We will figure things out.  We are not giving up.