Spinning Tops...

The title is how we feel we're moving these days!  So much is happening - and not happening -  all at the same time right now. 

Professionally - Harris is looking for a new job, as his professional opportunities in our current area have dried up.  This weekend we are heading to Maryland for him to interview with 2 different baseball organizations.  We're both going because we want to scout the area for housing.  If we don't sell the house, we may have to rent it out just to be able to cover all of our bills plus the additional rent expense.  Question of the week for us - Is this even possible???  I am doing research on reciprocity of my teaching license and trying to figure out how it would work for me to teach in another state.  Remembering during all of this that I have to maintain health insurance with zero lapse because, as we all know, the minute you go without coverage suddenly everything becomes a pre-existing and non-covered condition on a new plan.

On the Homefront - Remember Hurricane Irene???  The one that came thru in September???  Well, we're still trying to get a new roof put on our house.  For various reasons, it has taken forever and there's still nothing.  I am trying to hold onto the last of my patience with my contractor, but if there's not something tomorrow I think I may be moving on.  We're also having no luck selling the house because - BIG SURPRISE - nobody wants to buy a house that's had tarps on the roof for 4 months.  Plus, our realtor has not done anything to try and sell the house since listing it online in June.  He's going as soon as we get the new roof on.

Babywise - Because Harris will likely be in a new position in June, he won't be able to go with me to India.  I've asked my mom to think about going with me so that I don't have to do this alone.  We got together and had a yard sale this past weekend at my house.  All proceeds are going towards paying off the last trip to India - thus allowing room for the next trip.  We did well - made about $400.  One goal for this week is to get my desk & credenza, collectible dolls, and a cedar chest listed for sale on Craig's List.  IF I sell all of that, and get the price I want, I should be able to pull another $1200-1500 to put towards expenses.  We are also going to have to refinance the house to try and pull enough money together to do another round of surrogacy.  Because the laws changed after "the bubble burst" a couple of years ago, this will take about a month.  Harris can't change jobs during that time or we won't qualify. 

So, in summary, our minds are spinning like toy tops on a wooden floor.  When we lay down at night, we either pass right out or lie awake for (seemingly) ever, with possibilities and questions running thru our minds.

Elephants in the Room...

When we got the news that our first attempt at surrogacy didn't work, I sent out a very short email to those few who knew the situation.  It said, "It didn't work.  Please don't call."  At that point, we needed time to mourn, grieve, be angry, lash out, scream, cry, question God, begrudge the fools at Walmart who curse their children's existence in public, and slowly begin to dust ourselves off and formulate the next part of the plan.  You see, we're not really the quitting type and our friends/family know this about us.  We're also not really the type of couple to be outwardly vulnerable either.  That's why, now, those same people are really hesitant to even ask us how we're doing - they're nervous that they may burst the dam wall and have either one or both of us fall apart on them. It's kind of the elephant in the room now.  I figured this out the other night when my cousin's husband quickly rushed the phone to her, despite her still being, well, um, not dressed from getting out of the bathtub.  At first it was odd, then I realized I hadn't talked to her since the email and, despite having sent another email with out plan to go back to India, she was unsure of how I would be. 

I have made it a point to start calling (or seeing) people who I sent that email to.  I want to let them know that our life is going on, we're still here, we'll do our best to not show "the crazy" that sometimes still ghosts our moods.  We don't want to push anyone away during this time, but we do still want to have the benefit of support without questions.  I know it's a lot, but I think it's reasonable to ask in this situation.  Does that make sense to anyone else???

So, the other elephant in the room is that we have not been going to church regularly.  Now, to really understand how big a deal that is, you have to remember that we live in North Carolina - part of the Bible belt, the state where a woman was convicted of adultery (recently) after luring some other woman's husband into an affair - and given a sentence, and where going to eat after church on Sunday is a MAJOR deal. When you go from being the one who plans the lunch to the one who is never at the lunch, people notice.  Plus, Harris and I have run various programs in our church(es) since we were teens. 

At the moment though, I don't feel like I could sit in a church service without exploding.  Harris and I breached the topic tonight for the first time in a slightly awkward conversation over dinner (where we, of course, saw people from church).  I told him that a friend (who goes to our church) had invited us to come to church with them "if we weren't going anywhere else" yet.  Hmmm...we were invited to attend our own church.  O-kay. 

Neither Harris or I are really at a place where we feel like sitting in church and worshiping God right now, if I'm totally and brutally honest.  Living in the Bible belt, having been raised Southern Baptist, and believing that you can be smote or struck by lightning...that's not easy to admit.  Saying that goes against everything I was raised to say/think/believe/do.  But, frankly, I'm kind of pissed off at God at the moment and am questioning the choices made in the master plan.  Yes, I believe there's a "Master's Plan" and that there's reason for everything.  However, at this moment in time and space, I don't get it and don't like it. There's palpable tension in the conversations between me and God at the moment.  Harris was wonderful during this conversation and simply said, "That's okay.  The Bible is filled with people who cried out and got angry with God."  Translated, that means that he's cool and feeling kind of the same way.  I love my husband. 

So, we are going to continue dealing with the elephants in the room.  I know that reaching out to friends and family will help with the first one.  As for the second elephant, that one may be a bit more of a problem.  I know that eventually we'll work out the situation.  But for now, maybe the fact that I'm still on speaking terms with God is going to have to be enough. 

Depressed, NOT DEFEATED!

2012's Motto:  You're only defeated if you allow yourself to quit.  We aren't quitting!

Our basic theme of self-pity, anger, and acceptance has run its course (we move quickly) and we are once again back on the road facing forward.  While it would have been fan-flippin-tastic to have had a positive on the first attempt, it's not what we got.  So, we're going to find a way to get over it and head back to India for another attempt this year. 

I get out of school around the second week in June so there would be no secrecy or planning for FMLA leave this time on my end.  For the first time in decades, there will be no baseball in the town where we live and Harris will work normal hours (rather than 100+ hour weeks).  FMLA would have to happen for him again, but our doctor told us today that he'd work with us again to do whatever he could to support us in our efforts to have a child.  Did I ever mention that our doctor ROCKS?? 

Current plan, that I have not run past the wonderful folks in India, would include us getting there around the middle of June and doing another retrieval.  Harris should only need to do a fresh sample the day of retrieval as there are either one or two on ice for him right now.  I will be sad to not have a baby in 2012, as we just knew that this was our year to be parents, but again - we'll get over it.  We're going to work to pay off as much acquired debt as possible between now and then.  Maybe we should start playing the lottery?!?!