About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Elephants in the Room...

When we got the news that our first attempt at surrogacy didn't work, I sent out a very short email to those few who knew the situation.  It said, "It didn't work.  Please don't call."  At that point, we needed time to mourn, grieve, be angry, lash out, scream, cry, question God, begrudge the fools at Walmart who curse their children's existence in public, and slowly begin to dust ourselves off and formulate the next part of the plan.  You see, we're not really the quitting type and our friends/family know this about us.  We're also not really the type of couple to be outwardly vulnerable either.  That's why, now, those same people are really hesitant to even ask us how we're doing - they're nervous that they may burst the dam wall and have either one or both of us fall apart on them. It's kind of the elephant in the room now.  I figured this out the other night when my cousin's husband quickly rushed the phone to her, despite her still being, well, um, not dressed from getting out of the bathtub.  At first it was odd, then I realized I hadn't talked to her since the email and, despite having sent another email with out plan to go back to India, she was unsure of how I would be. 

I have made it a point to start calling (or seeing) people who I sent that email to.  I want to let them know that our life is going on, we're still here, we'll do our best to not show "the crazy" that sometimes still ghosts our moods.  We don't want to push anyone away during this time, but we do still want to have the benefit of support without questions.  I know it's a lot, but I think it's reasonable to ask in this situation.  Does that make sense to anyone else???

So, the other elephant in the room is that we have not been going to church regularly.  Now, to really understand how big a deal that is, you have to remember that we live in North Carolina - part of the Bible belt, the state where a woman was convicted of adultery (recently) after luring some other woman's husband into an affair - and given a sentence, and where going to eat after church on Sunday is a MAJOR deal. When you go from being the one who plans the lunch to the one who is never at the lunch, people notice.  Plus, Harris and I have run various programs in our church(es) since we were teens. 

At the moment though, I don't feel like I could sit in a church service without exploding.  Harris and I breached the topic tonight for the first time in a slightly awkward conversation over dinner (where we, of course, saw people from church).  I told him that a friend (who goes to our church) had invited us to come to church with them "if we weren't going anywhere else" yet.  Hmmm...we were invited to attend our own church.  O-kay. 

Neither Harris or I are really at a place where we feel like sitting in church and worshiping God right now, if I'm totally and brutally honest.  Living in the Bible belt, having been raised Southern Baptist, and believing that you can be smote or struck by lightning...that's not easy to admit.  Saying that goes against everything I was raised to say/think/believe/do.  But, frankly, I'm kind of pissed off at God at the moment and am questioning the choices made in the master plan.  Yes, I believe there's a "Master's Plan" and that there's reason for everything.  However, at this moment in time and space, I don't get it and don't like it. There's palpable tension in the conversations between me and God at the moment.  Harris was wonderful during this conversation and simply said, "That's okay.  The Bible is filled with people who cried out and got angry with God."  Translated, that means that he's cool and feeling kind of the same way.  I love my husband. 

So, we are going to continue dealing with the elephants in the room.  I know that reaching out to friends and family will help with the first one.  As for the second elephant, that one may be a bit more of a problem.  I know that eventually we'll work out the situation.  But for now, maybe the fact that I'm still on speaking terms with God is going to have to be enough. 

8 comments:

  1. You have a wonderful husband, a faith that in your own time will once again guide you, and a couple of elephants. Ok, so the elephants will slowly disappear, as for the other two, they are definitely there for good. It will work itself out eventually; as will your dream.

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  2. I love the honesty in your writing. Keep sharing, as in the sharing there is catharsis. We are thinking about you!!

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  3. Dear Allie,

    Your husband is a good man to remind you that plenty of folks in the Bible doubted, became angry, cried out to God over their suffering. This is so natural, especially considering what you've been through recently. My heart aches for you, and I understand. Even though we are at about 25 weeks, I still haven't made my way back to church. I love the Lord, and I don't understand things in my life He has allowed to happen, but I have a deep and abiding faith--seems like you do as well, and you'll be OK. Give yourself some time. In the meantime, you might try Googling Bethany's Stepping Stones newsletter and giving it a try. It has pulled me part of the way out of the slump many times, because it's full of Christians who question, who doubt, who weep, who rage over infertility. If you can swing it, try to send your husband out shopping for a while, too--I hear you on the parents who scream at their kids, while you are trying so desperately to have a family. Target and Walmart used to make me cry when I saw these things happening. Hang in there! Hugs to you, Jill and Alex

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  4. I know it is so so so so hard, but, I have always said you choose your path...the dark depressing path or the alternate path where you keep plugging away to get what you want. Its great that you are reaching out to people, they need to know you are ok and getting ready for phase two. You will get the much needed enthusiasm and support from these people!

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  5. I have been a pissed off with the big guy too these last few months. That's part of any relationship, whether it's with god or your husband, being angry with someone dosn't mean you love them any less. Better to let it out that bottle it up and become bitter I say. Take care and hoping the next round works for both of us!

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  6. Those damm elephants tend to follow us everywhere.... stay strong and know that your time will come. We are all here to support you both.xxx

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