What doesn't kill you...

SHOULD in theory make you stronger, right?  Well, after a couple of days wishing the earth actually could open up and swallow me, I'm now just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Monday was the WORST first day of school ever recorded in the history of first days of school, I'm convinced.  So long as the kids were in the room and I could move thru my checklists for rules and procedures, I was okay.  In the quiet moments while they were at PE, in the cafeteria, or at recess, I totally lost it over and over again.  All I could do was cry as quietly as possible at my desk.  By the end of that first day, I practically shoved people out of the way to get to my car so I could go home.  Harris called me on the way, and I couldn't even choke out the words.  Just bursts of sobs I was trying to choke back which would come out instead of "I'm on the way home" or "I love you". 

Tuesday was pretty much a repeat of Monday.  I found that my sense of time was thrown off all week and I couldn't keep track of what day it was.  My board was actually written with Wednesday's assignments on Thursday, and I missed sending notices home to parents all week long.  I can't seem to keep a thought in my head for longer than an nano-second before it's gone.  Oh, and the best is that when I get up and go to do something, I get there (wherever "there" is) and either have forgotten what I'm in there for OR see something that is also in need of doing and complete that new task rather than the one I went in there for. 

I have sent some inquiries to SCI about remaining funds - only 10,000 INR are left once all the costs are paid out.  I've also asked about the possibility of using the same surrogate again - don't know, she has to go thru a normal period first and they'll have to evaluate whether she's interested/able to do it again.  We also asked about having the tissue from the pregnancy tested, and that is being done and results should be back in 3 weeks' time.  I'm hoping that anything which is revealed from those tests can explain what happened.  Our surrogate had no problems, nothing out of the ordinary - in fact, apparently everyone (including the doctors) were astonished that the heartbeats had disappeared. 

We're left now with 3 days at home over this "holiday" weekend - which feels much more like a bereavement leave to us.  How in the world are we going to get thru 3 days with NOTHING on the calendar to occupy our minds and hands? 

In all seriousness, I am thinking about taking my doctor's offer for a prescription of Xanax to help take the edge off for a while.  Is that a cop out?  Neither of us have ever actually known we were pregnant before a miscarriage in the past.  This loss, double loss, is twisting our hearts and souls.  The only thing I can compare it to is the loss I felt when my grandmother (who raised me) died a few years ago.  It's amazing the depth of loss you can have for people who were never born. 

7:52

As I sat at my desk this morning at 7:52, my phone rang.  We all know what that means.  I had 14 parents and children outside my door, a school lobby packed to overflowing, and nowhere to hide.  My phone rang thru to voicemail, but again, I knew it wasn't good news.  I got my students in, had them get started on a paper, and read the email titled, "We're Sorry" at my desk praying all the while that I could keep it together.  No heartbeats.  D&C done this morning. 

So long as I kept moving constantly, I could keep from thinking about it.  I made it thru the day, put on my sunglasses, and flew out the door with keys in hand as soon as I put my last student on a bus. 

The challenge now is just to find a way to keep moving. 

All over the place...

My latest obsession - the Baby Elephant collection from The White Store!

 

We are so excited about the *bonus* baby news!  Thoughts about two babies seem to find their way into every part of my day.  I'm sitting in a meeting talking about new school board policies, and I suddenly tear up because I'm realizing that one day I might actually have that "first day of school" picture.  Or, I'm in the grocery store walking from the potato chip aisle over to the paper towel aisle, and I find myself slowly going down the baby food aisle.  There's also the random conversation where I tell Harris our daughter's name (because I'm convinced it's either 1 of each or 2 girls).  Then, when I finished the last book on my Kindle, I headed to the parenting section almost like a compulsion to find something that I needed to read up on...I didn't care what it was, just wanted it to be about parenting.  Oh, and I can't even turn into a shopping center with one of those baby boutiques.  I'd be bankrupt!

Then, there are also the other thoughts that run thru my mind when doing these things.  You know those thoughts - the warnings to NOT do something because it might jinx the situation.  There's also the ones where I urge myself to not daydream into the future because it might not happen, and if we lost the pregnancy I'd be too attached to make it thru without having a nervous breakdown this time I swear.  Oh, and the thoughts that race thru my head at warp speed when my head hits the pillow (and I don't fall asleep even with a sleeping pill) like wondering how we'll tell people, wondering if I'll be able to get a good sub for my classroom and when I need to tell my principal and how hurt my MIL would be if she found out after my principal who is in neither the friend or family category, thinking about what in the world we'd do if we got things for 2 and lost 1 of them. 

Constantly these things fly thru my head.  I wish I felt safe enough to go out and buy some things; just kind of to acknowledge the existence of the little ones swimming around carrying our genetic material several continents away.  I'm having a hard time resisting since seeing a link for "The White Company" on another blog.  I am in love with EVERYTHING on this page:  http://www.thewhitecompany.com/baby-elephant-collection/ and have gone so far as to load some of the stuff into their digital cart (okay, 2 of everything on the page) and go to the checkout page...just to become locked with anxiety and think that if I buy it, something bad's going to happen.  "Bad" is an ominous, ever-lurking, unknown that is possible at anytime, always one purchase/thought/breath/admission away. 

Am I totally crazy?  Do I need to seek a prescription for Xanax?  That mantra I've been working on is quickly becoming an OCD kind of chant.  I could not be my own friend right now because I would be driving me nuts.  Nobody pray for us to have patience, please!  No favors can be done with that! 

On a side note, we did go back to church this past Sunday for the first time in a good long while.  It was good.  We went to a place with no past connections; not a soul knew our names.  I was able to sing and sit in prayer (I GUARANTEE I prayed harder than anyone else there!) without feeling that sense of fury and desolation that had been a constant companion for so long.  That's progress. 

One step at a time, I guess. 

Oh good. Wait, what?!

You could have knocked us over with a feather when we received the notice and scan from SCI this morning.  How in the world?  It's just...wow.  This morning, during the scan, they found a second heartbeat and embryo!!!  TWINS!!!  Can you believe it???  WOW!  Both look to be "normal," and have good heartbeats (150/154 bpm).  The biggest of them ("THEM," WOW!) is measuring at 8 weeks, 3 days. 

TWINS!!

Yes, I'm a Dork...

Back in December, when we headed to India for the first time, I traded my standard ringtone for Bon Jovi's "We Weren't Born to Follow, We Were Born to Lead." 

When I went back in June for Round 2, I opted for Journey's, "Anything Is Possible."

Now that we have a heartbeat, and are entering our 7th week of the pregnancy, I have changed it to Conway Twitty's, "Never Been This Far Before."  

Other news, we have the 1st appointment with Harris' new cardiologist tomorrow morning.  It's a consult where they'll do preliminary screenings, and decide what type of stress test to have him do.  He's still having issues with tightness in his chest, shortness of breath, etc.  He's been taking it easier than usual, working less hours, doing less strenuous things at work.  We'll be happy to have some information and answers!

**Cartoon from MediaBreach.com