About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Friday, August 31, 2012

What doesn't kill you...

SHOULD in theory make you stronger, right?  Well, after a couple of days wishing the earth actually could open up and swallow me, I'm now just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Monday was the WORST first day of school ever recorded in the history of first days of school, I'm convinced.  So long as the kids were in the room and I could move thru my checklists for rules and procedures, I was okay.  In the quiet moments while they were at PE, in the cafeteria, or at recess, I totally lost it over and over again.  All I could do was cry as quietly as possible at my desk.  By the end of that first day, I practically shoved people out of the way to get to my car so I could go home.  Harris called me on the way, and I couldn't even choke out the words.  Just bursts of sobs I was trying to choke back which would come out instead of "I'm on the way home" or "I love you". 

Tuesday was pretty much a repeat of Monday.  I found that my sense of time was thrown off all week and I couldn't keep track of what day it was.  My board was actually written with Wednesday's assignments on Thursday, and I missed sending notices home to parents all week long.  I can't seem to keep a thought in my head for longer than an nano-second before it's gone.  Oh, and the best is that when I get up and go to do something, I get there (wherever "there" is) and either have forgotten what I'm in there for OR see something that is also in need of doing and complete that new task rather than the one I went in there for. 

I have sent some inquiries to SCI about remaining funds - only 10,000 INR are left once all the costs are paid out.  I've also asked about the possibility of using the same surrogate again - don't know, she has to go thru a normal period first and they'll have to evaluate whether she's interested/able to do it again.  We also asked about having the tissue from the pregnancy tested, and that is being done and results should be back in 3 weeks' time.  I'm hoping that anything which is revealed from those tests can explain what happened.  Our surrogate had no problems, nothing out of the ordinary - in fact, apparently everyone (including the doctors) were astonished that the heartbeats had disappeared. 

We're left now with 3 days at home over this "holiday" weekend - which feels much more like a bereavement leave to us.  How in the world are we going to get thru 3 days with NOTHING on the calendar to occupy our minds and hands? 

In all seriousness, I am thinking about taking my doctor's offer for a prescription of Xanax to help take the edge off for a while.  Is that a cop out?  Neither of us have ever actually known we were pregnant before a miscarriage in the past.  This loss, double loss, is twisting our hearts and souls.  The only thing I can compare it to is the loss I felt when my grandmother (who raised me) died a few years ago.  It's amazing the depth of loss you can have for people who were never born. 


  1. I wish I could hug you right now...and I wish there were words that would make things better. You will get through this...by doing exactly what you said...putting one foot in front of the other. And, no, it is not a cop out to ask for help and accept help (pharmaceutical or not) to cope with your grief and pain.

  2. I'm all for drugs, Allie. Do whatever you need to do.

    Thinking of you.

  3. My heart is breaking for you. I hope that you come through this stronger than ever which would be amazing because I think you're a pretty strong and amazing woman to begin with. Take the medication. Take time to cry. Take time with your family. Does your work have a EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that can offer any help or counseling or time off? I know that time off might be tough right at the beginning of the school year. Like your picture says, have your meltdown and let it out. I hope and pray that will help you move on. I'm still pulling for you and Harris to have a happy ending.

  4. Hey Allie, I know you dont feel strong right now but I can see from reading your post and how you have shared your feelings that you are indeed a strong woman. Take whatever support you can get to travel thru this difficult time. I know when we lost one of our twins I couldnt go to work that day and just cried. The love you form for the little ones as they grow inside someone else is that of indeed a loving mother waiting in the wings. Hang in there. I wish I could take this pain away...be kind to yourself.xxxxxxxxxx

  5. Allie, It's good to hear you are finding ways to move forwards and find out what happened with the pregnancy. It sounds quite a mystery. I hope that next week is more barable at work, it sounds like you're coping so well, better than I did.
    Take good care of each other over this difficult weekend. Make yourselves do something each day which you enjoy, though I expect you may feel like punishing yourselves, try to limit that. Also try to find a way to say goodbye to the little ones such as planting a plant or tree and reading out a letter, or lighting a candle? We both found that really helped us to feel like we had said goodbye respectfully and meant I allowed myself to gradually move on emotionally without feeling guilty or strange about it.
    Love to you both in abundance at this horrible time xxx

    1. Sorry I meant to say, I think like the others, that it shows strength to ask for help and even more strength to accept it. If you need medication then my advice is take it - it exists to help people. Hugs xxx

  6. Oh Allie...I so feel your pain..anybody that has received the "call of doom" can relate...at 10 weeks our last baby's heartbeat disappeared..growth was right on target...normal path report...just gone...we are now pregnant again..this time using a donor..the fear is still there...the pain is still there..there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about that miscarriage..that baby was due in July...this one in February...but, the fear still lingers..we are now in the 2nd trimester and finding it difficult to enjoy this pregnancy due to the fear of it leaving us...I wish I could tell you how to find the strength or make it better...but, the truth is...it just hurts and it never stops..it gets a little easier as time goes on..but it's always a part of you and you always wonder what might have been...grieve cuss cry eat ice cream...whatever it takes...but, you will get through this...once you get through this grieving process...make a plan and move forward...just don't give up on your dreams and don't let it put a wedge between you and Harris...infertility is hell on a marriage...keep your eye on the prize and don't let anything stand in your way...you will get there...just not as quick as we would like or often the first chosen path...you are a strong person...take care and God Bless..

  7. You will get through this.
    If you need to take the meds, allow yourself to do that. It's totally fine and that's the true reason they are around.

    Thinking of you and Harris. So sorry you are going through this.