Monday was the WORST first day of school ever recorded in the history of first days of school, I'm convinced. So long as the kids were in the room and I could move thru my checklists for rules and procedures, I was okay. In the quiet moments while they were at PE, in the cafeteria, or at recess, I totally lost it over and over again. All I could do was cry as quietly as possible at my desk. By the end of that first day, I practically shoved people out of the way to get to my car so I could go home. Harris called me on the way, and I couldn't even choke out the words. Just bursts of sobs I was trying to choke back which would come out instead of "I'm on the way home" or "I love you".
Tuesday was pretty much a repeat of Monday. I found that my sense of time was thrown off all week and I couldn't keep track of what day it was. My board was actually written with Wednesday's assignments on Thursday, and I missed sending notices home to parents all week long. I can't seem to keep a thought in my head for longer than an nano-second before it's gone. Oh, and the best is that when I get up and go to do something, I get there (wherever "there" is) and either have forgotten what I'm in there for OR see something that is also in need of doing and complete that new task rather than the one I went in there for.
I have sent some inquiries to SCI about remaining funds - only 10,000 INR are left once all the costs are paid out. I've also asked about the possibility of using the same surrogate again - don't know, she has to go thru a normal period first and they'll have to evaluate whether she's interested/able to do it again. We also asked about having the tissue from the pregnancy tested, and that is being done and results should be back in 3 weeks' time. I'm hoping that anything which is revealed from those tests can explain what happened. Our surrogate had no problems, nothing out of the ordinary - in fact, apparently everyone (including the doctors) were astonished that the heartbeats had disappeared.
We're left now with 3 days at home over this "holiday" weekend - which feels much more like a bereavement leave to us. How in the world are we going to get thru 3 days with NOTHING on the calendar to occupy our minds and hands?
In all seriousness, I am thinking about taking my doctor's offer for a prescription of Xanax to help take the edge off for a while. Is that a cop out? Neither of us have ever actually known we were pregnant before a miscarriage in the past. This loss, double loss, is twisting our hearts and souls. The only thing I can compare it to is the loss I felt when my grandmother (who raised me) died a few years ago. It's amazing the depth of loss you can have for people who were never born.