About Me

My photo
North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Monday, August 27, 2012

7:52

As I sat at my desk this morning at 7:52, my phone rang.  We all know what that means.  I had 14 parents and children outside my door, a school lobby packed to overflowing, and nowhere to hide.  My phone rang thru to voicemail, but again, I knew it wasn't good news.  I got my students in, had them get started on a paper, and read the email titled, "We're Sorry" at my desk praying all the while that I could keep it together.  No heartbeats.  D&C done this morning. 

So long as I kept moving constantly, I could keep from thinking about it.  I made it thru the day, put on my sunglasses, and flew out the door with keys in hand as soon as I put my last student on a bus. 

The challenge now is just to find a way to keep moving. 
Posted by at

32 comments:

  1. AnonymousAugust 27, 2012 at 6:03 PM

    There are no words to say how truly sorry Alex and I are for the loss of your precious babies. I am praying for comfort for you and Harris, though you probably don't want to hear it right now. Alex and I started our school year two years ago with miscarriage news, and it's tougher to deal with in education, I think, because you are surrounded by kids. Maybe your principal will let you take a few days off. Hugs to you--again, we are so, so very sorry. Jill

    ReplyDelete
  2. Joann and BrianAugust 27, 2012 at 6:10 PM

    We are so sorry - there are no other words. If I could reach across a few states I would give you a hug.

    ReplyDelete
  3. MaggieAugust 27, 2012 at 6:16 PM

    I am so very, very sorry. There are no words. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and find strength and comfort in each other. I wish I do more than send prayers and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kerrie and MarkAugust 27, 2012 at 6:38 PM

    Oh Allie and Harris,we are so sorry to read the awful news. Words cannot take away the pain, only time will heal.

    ReplyDelete
  5. CrittyAugust 27, 2012 at 6:45 PM

    I know no words can ease the loss you bear, but please know that you and Harris are in our thoughts and prayers

    ReplyDelete
  6. LeahAugust 27, 2012 at 7:51 PM

    Oh, Allie I'm so so sorry. As everyone else has said, there are just no words to say to make it go away right now. So instead I'll pray and send you a *hug*. We'll be thinking of you and praying for peace.

    ReplyDelete
  7. SuzieBenAugust 27, 2012 at 8:01 PM

    Allie, we are so so sorry. My heart goes out to you and Harris. We are thinking of you and hope you find a way to get through this terrible time xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Doug and BillAugust 27, 2012 at 8:25 PM

    OH CRAP...sorry you guys. Everyone's losses out there in blog land hit me hard, as we've had our own. Just remember to try and muster up the energy and hope to continue. Im' so so sorry. Thinking about you guys...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I&DAugust 27, 2012 at 9:00 PM

    The strong horrible emotions come flooding back when we have read your post, we are in tears. I wish we could all take this journey without the strong emotional ties. Lots & lots of hugs.
    I&D

    ReplyDelete
  10. Brent and CharlieAugust 28, 2012 at 12:02 AM

    Wow, I am so shocked and saddened. It's such a rough road for some. You guys are going to be such great parents - it should just be easier to get there. I'm sorry guys, you're in our thoughts. Get back on the horse when you're ready. Some people need to get back on right away so that they're always moving forward and other people need to take time to process the loss and dust themselves off. Do what's right for you two. So, so sorry. C&B

    ReplyDelete
  11. FGAugust 28, 2012 at 12:06 AM

    So cruel Allie. I am so sorry. I wish it wasn't so.

    ReplyDelete
  12. lisaluAugust 28, 2012 at 12:19 AM

    I am so sorry to read this, life is so hard at times!!
    Thinking of you both x

    ReplyDelete
  13. AleksandraAugust 28, 2012 at 12:20 AM

    I am so sorry to hear this horrible news. I am also shocked and saddened for you both. Sending you hugs and praying for peace for you both.

    ReplyDelete
  14. JohnAugust 28, 2012 at 12:47 AM

    I am so sadden by this unexpected news. Should you want to speak with someone, I'd be glad to lend an ear. I have some idea what you might be feeling. Our thoughts are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  15. MichaelAugust 28, 2012 at 1:23 AM

    Oh Allie, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I can't believe it. I'm in shock. I know you have some amazing support in your life and I'm glad to know you have people to help you through this. Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm thinking of you and sending you love and peace.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Rhonda and Gerry WAugust 28, 2012 at 4:22 AM

    How heartbreaking. So very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousAugust 28, 2012 at 6:41 AM

    Dear Allie and Harris
    I am so sorry. I know how it feels. But as Brent and Charlie have said just get back on the horse. We did within days of losing a precious baby at 18 weeks. I feel your pain. But trust me we did have a positive outcome with donor eggs! Love the universe and try again knowing how very many people support you.
    lots of love
    n

    ReplyDelete
  18. B and SJAugust 28, 2012 at 7:55 AM

    So very sorry to read your news. Please take care of each other and hopefully when the time is right you will continue your journey. Much love, SJ & B xx

    ReplyDelete
  19. New Year DreamingAugust 28, 2012 at 8:01 AM

    Allie and Harris, I hope in time you will find some comfort and strength to try again. You should be parents. Life is so crappy sometimes. Take the time to grieve and look after yourselves. Sending hugs across the ocean to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Tandoori VikingAugust 28, 2012 at 8:22 AM

    I'm so deeply sorry. SO-SO SORRY. Tons of love and hugs of strength...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jeff and KevinAugust 28, 2012 at 8:59 AM

    So very sorry for your loss. Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  22. KateAugust 28, 2012 at 9:01 AM

    Oh Allie, I'm so so sorry to hear this. And I know how hard it is to make it through the day as a teacher not being able to be "off" for one minute of the day.

    YOu are in my thoughts today.

    ReplyDelete
  23. SKhanAugust 28, 2012 at 9:16 AM

    So sorry to hear this horrible news! This is just not fair. Thinking of you during this tough time.

    ReplyDelete
  24. GeeAugust 28, 2012 at 9:53 AM

    Wish I had the words to take away your pain, sending you ((hugs)) filled with strength and courage x

    ReplyDelete
  25. Ryan and RubenAugust 28, 2012 at 10:33 AM

    My heart goes out to you both... I'm so terribly sorry to hear this news.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Delhi DreamersAugust 28, 2012 at 10:57 AM

    So sorry to hear your news. I know that words cannot possibly help but take good care of each other especially at this awful time. Thinking of you both K&J xxx

    ReplyDelete
  27. ADAugust 28, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    Dear Allie and Harris, such terrible sad news, I'm so sorry. Only time will take away some of the pain you are feeling. Thinking of you xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  28. UnknownAugust 28, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    We are so sorry for the lost. Words will not heal this cruel kick of the odds, but we hope time will help you to go through. Big hug

    ReplyDelete
  29. Shakti RoseAugust 28, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    Allie & Harris, all our love to you both. It's heart-breaking and soul destroying when this happens. It also brings back the pain for me. I wish i could remove the heavy load, wipe the tears and mend your broken heart. All we can do is say we are all here and we all know what its like. Try and take a little comfort in that maybe. When the times right for you, find sonera way to say goodbye, that was so important for me. Love and tons of tlc, SR x

    ReplyDelete
  30. A Passage to BabyAugust 28, 2012 at 6:59 PM

    Allie & Harris,
    My heart brakes and tears well up in my eyes as I read this. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. My heart goes out to you.

    ReplyDelete
  31. JohnAugust 28, 2012 at 10:52 PM

    Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this - my heart goes out to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  32. lucyluAugust 29, 2012 at 4:18 AM

    Oh Allie, I have cold chills all over my body reading this. Sorry is just not enough, this is just devastating. It's a tough tough time we all have before we even get to surrogacy. Be kind to yourself, I remember feeling so many different feelings of shock, disbelief, anger and I just wanted to hide in bed all day. Such a cruel shock. Give yourself time and I hope when your ready you can try another plan.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)