About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

All over the place...

My latest obsession - the Baby Elephant collection from The White Store!
We are so excited about the *bonus* baby news!  Thoughts about two babies seem to find their way into every part of my day.  I'm sitting in a meeting talking about new school board policies, and I suddenly tear up because I'm realizing that one day I might actually have that "first day of school" picture.  Or, I'm in the grocery store walking from the potato chip aisle over to the paper towel aisle, and I find myself slowly going down the baby food aisle.  There's also the random conversation where I tell Harris our daughter's name (because I'm convinced it's either 1 of each or 2 girls).  Then, when I finished the last book on my Kindle, I headed to the parenting section almost like a compulsion to find something that I needed to read up on...I didn't care what it was, just wanted it to be about parenting.  Oh, and I can't even turn into a shopping center with one of those baby boutiques.  I'd be bankrupt!

Then, there are also the other thoughts that run thru my mind when doing these things.  You know those thoughts - the warnings to NOT do something because it might jinx the situation.  There's also the ones where I urge myself to not daydream into the future because it might not happen, and if we lost the pregnancy I'd be too attached to make it thru without having a nervous breakdown this time I swear.  Oh, and the thoughts that race thru my head at warp speed when my head hits the pillow (and I don't fall asleep even with a sleeping pill) like wondering how we'll tell people, wondering if I'll be able to get a good sub for my classroom and when I need to tell my principal and how hurt my MIL would be if she found out after my principal who is in neither the friend or family category, thinking about what in the world we'd do if we got things for 2 and lost 1 of them. 

Constantly these things fly thru my head.  I wish I felt safe enough to go out and buy some things; just kind of to acknowledge the existence of the little ones swimming around carrying our genetic material several continents away.  I'm having a hard time resisting since seeing a link for "The White Company" on another blog.  I am in love with EVERYTHING on this page:  http://www.thewhitecompany.com/baby-elephant-collection/ and have gone so far as to load some of the stuff into their digital cart (okay, 2 of everything on the page) and go to the checkout page...just to become locked with anxiety and think that if I buy it, something bad's going to happen.  "Bad" is an ominous, ever-lurking, unknown that is possible at anytime, always one purchase/thought/breath/admission away. 

Am I totally crazy?  Do I need to seek a prescription for Xanax?  That mantra I've been working on is quickly becoming an OCD kind of chant.  I could not be my own friend right now because I would be driving me nuts.  Nobody pray for us to have patience, please!  No favors can be done with that! 

On a side note, we did go back to church this past Sunday for the first time in a good long while.  It was good.  We went to a place with no past connections; not a soul knew our names.  I was able to sing and sit in prayer (I GUARANTEE I prayed harder than anyone else there!) without feeling that sense of fury and desolation that had been a constant companion for so long.  That's progress. 

One step at a time, I guess. 


  1. First off - I love that website. I saw you commented on it in another blog and immediately went to investigate. It was hard not to bring out the old Visa and start buying everything in site. I also understand how you feel. We have told a few friends but always asking that they pray everything goes well and we come home with two babies. I have not bought one thing for these babies - I am so scared that I might jinx it. So in that you are not alone - I think we all could form an Anxious Parent Club and if we were closer hold meetings.

  2. White company is great Allie, good quality clothing, highly recommend them. not alone with those thoughts hun, im not at your stage yet but that doesn't stop my mind in going into over dive lol, warm wishes your way x

  3. I felt a LOT more comfortable when we got to over 20 weeks with our two, and it was better again when we got past 28 weeks. It became real when they arrived at 34 weeks. Our boys turned 3 (as in years) this week. And when do you stop worrying? Never. Best advice I can share is to try and enjoy each stage as it's quick and amazing and over before you know it - even when it feels like it's dragging.

  4. You are normal! 29 weeks was the point for us where we started to feel it was real, and 34 weeks was when we started to KNOW it was real. No Xanax, just keep blogging! YAY for two babies!

  5. Hang in there and keep up the positive thoughts... and the shopping around. That's the really fun part! Glad you like The White Company :)

  6. I have to agree with Kerrie - 29 wks we could breathe and it is really only now that we have realized this is happening. Best wishes and fingers and toes crossed!!! K&J xx

  7. I couldn't have anything in the house until we were at about 30 weeks. It's a Jewish tradition and even though I am not religious at all, if I got a present I gave it to a friend. By about 30 weeks I realized I did, in fact, have to start preparing for the little munchkins.

    We've all been there. It's scary to think of the bad stuff and it's scary to think of the good stuff too. You're right where you should be. Keep yourself busy so you don't think too much and in just a few more weeks you'll find that you'll let your mind have so many more beautiful thoughts. Every week those thoughts come more often and they're more comforting. :-)

  8. You are so true. We are in never-ending straggle between earth and heaven; keeping the feet on the ground (being realistic about the odds) or let ourselves dream high for a while (and enjoy the moment). Aaaahhhh!! … Somehow we finally go with the flow!
    Congrats for the "double the fun"!

  9. yes we all think exactly the same things! But damned if I am going to miss this fantastic exciting time when we have waited soooo long for it! (just hope i didnt jinx us! :)))

  10. So normal to be scared but try to enjoy it. Life is here to be enjoyed not suffered - in my opinion. Please please remind me of this belief I hold next time I'm freaking out over a medical aspect of our pregnancy, or over my horrible Indian visa issues or something! You are definitely normal! Love white company baby stuff....bit pricey for us....think we may be reduced to primark for bulk buying ....love the elephant print....my SIL recently got our baby an elephant mobile and pillow cover from India :-) I've put them away so I hope not to hunch anything....love and hugs and stay strong. Sr x

    1. Hunch..**- jinx....sorry for typo...my HTC is not ideal for blogging :-)

  11. This reminds me of myself so much.
    A friend recommended the following book to me: http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609611985/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1345746248&sr=8-2&keywords=mindlessness

    I def need it.

  12. I still can't believe that you went from having a crappy first scan with the Dr saying it may not progress at all, to now having two healthy little ones in there. You guys must be over the moon!