My latest obsession - the Baby Elephant collection from The White Store!
Then, there are also the other thoughts that run thru my mind when doing these things. You know those thoughts - the warnings to NOT do something because it might jinx the situation. There's also the ones where I urge myself to not daydream into the future because it might not happen, and if we lost the pregnancy I'd be too attached to make it thru without having a nervous breakdown this time I swear. Oh, and the thoughts that race thru my head at warp speed when my head hits the pillow (and I don't fall asleep even with a sleeping pill) like wondering how we'll tell people, wondering if I'll be able to get a good sub for my classroom and when I need to tell my principal and how hurt my MIL would be if she found out after my principal who is in neither the friend or family category, thinking about what in the world we'd do if we got things for 2 and lost 1 of them.
Constantly these things fly thru my head. I wish I felt safe enough to go out and buy some things; just kind of to acknowledge the existence of the little ones swimming around carrying our genetic material several continents away. I'm having a hard time resisting since seeing a link for "The White Company" on another blog. I am in love with EVERYTHING on this page: http://www.thewhitecompany.com/baby-elephant-collection/ and have gone so far as to load some of the stuff into their digital cart (okay, 2 of everything on the page) and go to the checkout page...just to become locked with anxiety and think that if I buy it, something bad's going to happen. "Bad" is an ominous, ever-lurking, unknown that is possible at anytime, always one purchase/thought/breath/admission away.
Am I totally crazy? Do I need to seek a prescription for Xanax? That mantra I've been working on is quickly becoming an OCD kind of chant. I could not be my own friend right now because I would be driving me nuts. Nobody pray for us to have patience, please! No favors can be done with that!
On a side note, we did go back to church this past Sunday for the first time in a good long while. It was good. We went to a place with no past connections; not a soul knew our names. I was able to sing and sit in prayer (I GUARANTEE I prayed harder than anyone else there!) without feeling that sense of fury and desolation that had been a constant companion for so long. That's progress.
One step at a time, I guess.