The Winning Side of Giving Up...

So, it appears that the IUI has failed - started bleeding 2 days ago and I don't think it's from implantation - I will get bloodwork done on Monday to confirm this.  The things that I'm mourning and celebrating about this are really the same things.  Isn't it funny how we can see one act, event, or course of action as both sad and happy at the same time?

For instance, I will never buy another pregnancy test.  When people ask me if we're trying, I won't have to make up a coy answer that eludes the situation - no will suffice.  Harris and I will be able to have sex knowing that we won't be working towards pregnancy.  I will never have to give birth.  See, both happy and sad.

My nature is to be more "Negative Nellie" than "Pollyanna" but I'm trying.  

Clearly, I've lost my mind...

 
Birds hate me.  That's the truth.  They really do.  This truth first came to light when I went to my Uncle Jimbo and Aunt Fay's house.  They raised chickens and for dinner we were going to have FRESH chicken pastry.  Being little enough to know no better (and having an uncle with a sense of humor lost to me at that time), I sat in the truck bed when the chicken met the hatchett.  To this day I have nightmares about that evil zombie-like chicken body running towards me with no head.  I also remember being a little girl and having two parrots poop on me at the pet store.  That was just the beginning.  Since then, they have found various other ways to torment me thru my life.  In high school, I couldn't eat out in the courtyard with the other Seniors because the birds would fly down from the trees and swoop at me, their talons grabbing at my hair.  When I went to summer camp, there were bats and small birds that would dive bomb me in the swimming pool - kamikaze bats, if you will - who were willing to die for their cause (one drowned as he tried to grasp my swimsuit).  As an adult, I married into a family of bird lovers who insist that their birds can't fly because their wings have been clipped.  This is despite evidence to the contrary where they have left their cage tops in a determined attempt to cross a room and peck my eyes out.  Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the probably 50 birds that have flown straight into my car and died with a dramatic thump as they tried to scare me off the road. 

THEY ARE EVIL CREATURES AND I HATE THEM AS MUCH AS THEY HATE ME.

This brings me to the point.  I must have lost my mind because last night as I sat in the living room watching (redneck) TV with Harris, I sobbed uncontrollably after "Billy the Exterminator" was tasked to "relocate" Canadian Geese who had nested in areas too close to businesses or schools.  Billy and his brother, Ricky, forced the daddy into protective mode and then bullied the mama goose off the nest so they could put oil all over the hot eggs.  The result of this process is that the eggs would fry in the heat and, once the parents found out their offspring were dead, they would have bad memories of the place and move on.

Watching this and hearing the cries of that mama as the daddy was fighting and then once she was bullied from her nests broke my heart.  Suddenly, I was the mama goose and that daddy was Harris out there dive bombing Billy and Ricky trying to keep his almost-family safe no matter what.  Oh, and the horrible cries that came out of that mama when they did get her off the nest and she realized that her eggs were exposed.  Do geese wail - because it was such a soulful cry that, had she been human, certainly it would have been a wail. 

All I could do was cry because I knew that there was nothing she could do that she wasn't already doing.  She'd done everything right - she'd mated for life and chosen a loyal & strong partner, she'd laid her eggs and attended them vigilantly, she'd fought for her almost-children, and still it wasn't enough.  The worst part was that, according to Billy and Ricky, it would take the geese a few days to realize the eggs were ruined.  In my mind, what I heard when they said that part was that although she would go back to the nest and continue doing what she could to take care of her babies, it was all for nothing because they had put their hands into the nest and rubbed oil on the eggs.  That poor mama and daddy would sit there for another 3 days while their children died in their care.  How cruel.  How devastating.  How relatable for anyone on this journey of infertility.

I know that along the way I have done everything I can to make sure the people I work with are certified, well versed in their craft, knowledgeable, thorough, and careful.  Harris and I feel confident in our choices and our treatments for the most part.  And, we feel like we've made a good choice for overseas surrogacy with SCI should this last cycle fail.  For those reasons, and because of the endless amounts of research/prayer/correspondence/checking behind/questioning that we've done over the last 6 years, I can feel okay and know that I'm not the mama goose sitting on those hopeless eggs.  But man, I sure do feel sorry for her. 

(By the way, Harris had no idea how to comfort me during this drama because he knows my tense-at-best relationship with feathered not-friends.  I'd put a link to that episode, but I'm honestly embarrassed to admit that I watch that show.  LOL!)  

Still here...

Just dropping a line to let everyone know we're still alive.  Hurricane Irene messed up our roof and we were out of power for 4 days.  We lost all of our food in the fridge and freezer, but we're still so much luckier than others in our area.  The Governor is working to have our town declared a disaster area so we can get funding from FEMA to help with the damage and clean-up here.  We're still waiting to hear back from the insurance company 8 days later...urgh.  I called again today and verified that we were on the list - just not the top of the list.

Quick update on the IUI and process to parenthood.  Harris and I did brave the storm to have the IUI.  We've got one more week in the 2WW and we'll be able to make some real commitments afterwards. 

I am still working to catch up on the latest postings.  Jill and Alex, congrats!  Kerri and Mark, I'm surprised you're not on your way home yet, but kudos on the super cute outfits you've found over there for the baby!

Hope everyone has a great week!

The "Magic" of Motherhood...

Simply not the best day ever.  Meg did let me know they'd gotten my infectious disease screening - that was the highlight today.  Downhill FAST from there.  I was reminded once again today, at school, that "when I have children of my own," I'll understand.  Really?  What is the magical thing that happens after I have these children.  And, if I don't have children - not for lack of trying - am I doomed to ignorance for the rest of my life?  How is it that I am unqualified to perform a myriad of tasks like attending games and recitals because I'm not a mother?  Why is it that, despite having over 15 years of time working with children, getting them set on schedules, potty training other people's babies, helping them learn to read, feeding them, cleaning up kid barf, and finding ways to make their lives more enriched, I am unqualified to have opinions related to children?  How, exactly, does that work? 

If the inverse is true, does that mean that all people with children DO know these coveted secrets of the universe?  Clearly not, point in case, ever been to Walmart?  These enlightened people, qualified only by right of childbirth, can be seen and heard all over the store cursing, abusing, and putting down their offspring.  Is that the knowledge that I'll gain from becoming a mother?  Hope not. 

What I want to say - but never do, because I'd cry my eyeballs out - is that I may not have children, but if I did I'd do it better than you!  My children, our children, would be treasured, loved, protected, encouraged, guided, shielded, praised, challenged, taught, tended, nurtured, snuggled, and told every single day of their lives that they were wanted so much that their dad and I went to the ends of the earth to find a way to have them become part of our lives.  My children, our children, would never question this truth.  These children that we're all trying desperately to concieve, bring home, raise, and send out into the world to make it better will always be looked at by parents who have thanksgiving and gratitude in their hearts for whatever or whoever helped them find their children.  Our children - whether living now, miscarried and remembered, 8 celled, or only a twinkle in an eye - are wanted beyond any measure that is understood by most parents.  We know what it is like to love and yearn for people who have yet to exist, are waiting to be introduced, or have been a part of our lives for the shortest of times.  I have to think that in some way this qualifies us to "know" the secrets of parents - at least on some level.

But, since I'm not a mother, what do I know?  What's happened to Bernadette and Duane is heartbreaking.  Lucylu, same thoughts go out to you - you were "in" and then this loss.  I feel your pain and your waivering faith that one day, somehow, you'll be parents.  If you read this guys, you're all in my prayers.

What's that for?

If you're not living on the East Coast (USA), you may not know that a massive hurricane is heading towards us right now.  Harris and I have been doing the "preparedness" stuff today - water, candles, cash, gas in the tank, batteries in the flashlight, etc.  In North Carolina, where we live, Hurricane Irene is due to make landfall Saturday with tropical storm force winds arriving prior to that tomorrow night.  I am about an hour from the beach and they're calling for an evacuation of the county beside us.  I, of course, am due to drive 1.5 hours to my ultrasound appointment on Saturday morning just as the winds and rain really pick up.  With 6.5" of rainfall expected on Saturday, it'll be an interesting drive to say the least!  I have the best timing EVER, right? 

 

So, I had to laugh when my lady at Lab Corp asked on Monday what "all those tests" were.  She hadn't done some of them and was unfamiliar with the abbreviations for a couple like.  Then, to make it more funny - because I choose to laugh now instead of cry - when she repeated the test name to the corporate rep while looking for the test number, she whispered, lowered her head, and shielded her eyes like she was saying something shameful.  Isn't it funny, in the world of infertility, how our conversations change and how our threshold for embarassment changes?!  Prior to infertility, I didn't even use anatomically correct verbage for male and female private areas.  Now, I not only use the correct names, but I speak about folicular stimulation, semen secretion, trans-vaginal ultrasounds, and ejaculation without so much as a blush.  Oh yeah, and I'm thanking God for women who are willing to help Harris and I have a biological child on the other side of the planet.  Yes, things certainly do change with infertility.

Whatever the situation, disease free is the way to be!  That means no more shots...for now...or at least until tonight when I take my Bravelle & Minapur cocktail.  

Jubilee...

It's so wonderful to see Kerri and Mark's new baby!!!  She's beautiful, adorable, perfect, and everything else a new baby should be.  How amazing it is that we can start to love people and babies we will likely never meet!  What a gift!

So, in light of this celebration - a bit of humor...ba-dump-ching!

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Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because they won’t ask for directions either!

You know you are trying to get pregnant when…Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21″...

Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
They have crystal balls.

One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."

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Things To Do During the 2ww: finding the humor in it all.

1. Eat for two - just in case.

2. Convince ourselves that if we somehow go out and spend all the money we have "left" for treatments, God will be forced to give us a BFP. Target run anyone?

3. Seriously consider suing HPT manufacturers because their products suck.

4. Enter the Guinness Book of World Records for "Quickest Nervous Breakdown: 2 days, 2 hours, 12 mins, 7 seconds."

5. Spend an hour weighing out the pros and cons - ON AN ACTUAL PIECE OF PAPER - of making a Starbucks run.

6. Become the target of a conspiracy of pregnant women all of a sudden turning up in the most unlikely situations ( ie: A Turbo Kick Boxing class ) and secretly wishing them an instant case of hemorrhoids.

7. Attack a coworker because they're stupid and it's just time someone broke the news to them.

8. Motivate yourself to stay positive by making a list of all the things your grateful for - and then wanting to kill yourself because you can't find any.

9. Freaking out the general public by approaching the next person you hear complaining about their children with your checkbook open and asking, "How much?"

10. Change your future children names 500 times and eventually settle our your original selection.

11. Undergo crazy fertility rituals like eating cows brains or chanting in Russian to the sounds of iced tea being stirred.

12. Thank God, Hate God, Thank God, Hate God, Thank God, Hate God....

13. Watch Entertainment shows and put the remote through the TV when the next Hollywood starlit accidental gets "knocked up."

14. Bring home abandoned dogs, cats, sheep, lizards and goldfish because you "feel their pain."

15. Stay home from work because you're having a "blue day" only to find yourself watching "Baby Story" on TLC.

From:  http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infertility/forum/2185320-if-jokes-smile

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Two women dealing with infertility were walking down the street together. Suddenly they saw I stork carrying a baby fly by. They looked at each other and one women said, " What do you think that was?" The other woman took out a handgun and said, "Opportunity knocking."

Hope you got some laughs from these!  I did!

Welcome Distractions...

So, in the real world, I'm a third grade teacher and this week it's back to school for me!  Ironically, this is not only a good thing because I get to go back to the classroom and a job that I love, but also it's keeping my mind off of this last fertility cycle and all of the other things that are happening.  Why is it that "life events" tend to happen like water rushing out of a collapsed dam? 

I got the okay to start my injections tomorrow night and we've tried our best to line up my ultrasound visits to fall in line with the weekend and with the morning I have off next week on Open House day.  We're even hoping to push off the trigger day until the next weekend in case we do decide to go with IUI. 

Then, I got a call from Harris letting me know that he has a potential job offer...in another state...that would cause us to have to move.  Our house has been on the market for almost 3 months now, but since India came into the picture we've been debating on whether or not to sell.  If we kept the house, we could refinance and pull a good amount of the money we'd need from the equity.  That would keep us from having to totally drain our savings and we'd be able to keep payments and interest low as we pay back what we've borrowed.  We've already been to the bank and have multiple ways to pay for everything associated with surrogacy - it's just that we're trying to figure out the best way to handle the debt.  Nothing's settled with money - is it ever, really?

Oh, and I found out that the lab messed up my bloodwork again.  They were supposed to do my bloodtype for the infectious disease screening.  Apparently, they got the AB part but not the + or - part.  According to my doctor, that's important to know.  LOL!  Seriously,  I may as well laugh as cry because needles and I seem to have a date with destiny.  No matter how much I try, I can't get away from them easily - one draw turns into two, and anyway I cut it I must do both injections and possibly egg retrieval to have kids.  With my crummy luck, I'll have 1 egg and have to do the process like 20 times! 

In summary, thank the Lord it's time for school!  I'm ready for 22 kids and all the excitement and energy they bring with them.  Bring on the lesson plans, homework, tests, and grading!  Whoo hoo!