About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Monday, August 27, 2012

7:52

As I sat at my desk this morning at 7:52, my phone rang.  We all know what that means.  I had 14 parents and children outside my door, a school lobby packed to overflowing, and nowhere to hide.  My phone rang thru to voicemail, but again, I knew it wasn't good news.  I got my students in, had them get started on a paper, and read the email titled, "We're Sorry" at my desk praying all the while that I could keep it together.  No heartbeats.  D&C done this morning. 

So long as I kept moving constantly, I could keep from thinking about it.  I made it thru the day, put on my sunglasses, and flew out the door with keys in hand as soon as I put my last student on a bus. 

The challenge now is just to find a way to keep moving. 

32 comments:

  1. There are no words to say how truly sorry Alex and I are for the loss of your precious babies. I am praying for comfort for you and Harris, though you probably don't want to hear it right now. Alex and I started our school year two years ago with miscarriage news, and it's tougher to deal with in education, I think, because you are surrounded by kids. Maybe your principal will let you take a few days off. Hugs to you--again, we are so, so very sorry. Jill

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  2. We are so sorry - there are no other words. If I could reach across a few states I would give you a hug.

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  3. I am so very, very sorry. There are no words. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and find strength and comfort in each other. I wish I do more than send prayers and hugs.

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  4. Oh Allie and Harris,we are so sorry to read the awful news. Words cannot take away the pain, only time will heal.

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  5. I know no words can ease the loss you bear, but please know that you and Harris are in our thoughts and prayers

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  6. Oh, Allie I'm so so sorry. As everyone else has said, there are just no words to say to make it go away right now. So instead I'll pray and send you a *hug*. We'll be thinking of you and praying for peace.

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  7. Allie, we are so so sorry. My heart goes out to you and Harris. We are thinking of you and hope you find a way to get through this terrible time xx

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  8. OH CRAP...sorry you guys. Everyone's losses out there in blog land hit me hard, as we've had our own. Just remember to try and muster up the energy and hope to continue. Im' so so sorry. Thinking about you guys...

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  9. The strong horrible emotions come flooding back when we have read your post, we are in tears. I wish we could all take this journey without the strong emotional ties. Lots & lots of hugs.
    I&D

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  10. Wow, I am so shocked and saddened. It's such a rough road for some. You guys are going to be such great parents - it should just be easier to get there. I'm sorry guys, you're in our thoughts. Get back on the horse when you're ready. Some people need to get back on right away so that they're always moving forward and other people need to take time to process the loss and dust themselves off. Do what's right for you two. So, so sorry. C&B

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  11. So cruel Allie. I am so sorry. I wish it wasn't so.

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  12. I am so sorry to read this, life is so hard at times!!
    Thinking of you both x

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  13. I am so sorry to hear this horrible news. I am also shocked and saddened for you both. Sending you hugs and praying for peace for you both.

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  14. I am so sadden by this unexpected news. Should you want to speak with someone, I'd be glad to lend an ear. I have some idea what you might be feeling. Our thoughts are with you and your family.

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  15. Oh Allie, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I can't believe it. I'm in shock. I know you have some amazing support in your life and I'm glad to know you have people to help you through this. Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm thinking of you and sending you love and peace.

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  16. How heartbreaking. So very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way.

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  17. Dear Allie and Harris
    I am so sorry. I know how it feels. But as Brent and Charlie have said just get back on the horse. We did within days of losing a precious baby at 18 weeks. I feel your pain. But trust me we did have a positive outcome with donor eggs! Love the universe and try again knowing how very many people support you.
    lots of love
    n

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  18. So very sorry to read your news. Please take care of each other and hopefully when the time is right you will continue your journey. Much love, SJ & B xx

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  19. Allie and Harris, I hope in time you will find some comfort and strength to try again. You should be parents. Life is so crappy sometimes. Take the time to grieve and look after yourselves. Sending hugs across the ocean to you both.

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  20. I'm so deeply sorry. SO-SO SORRY. Tons of love and hugs of strength...

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  21. So very sorry for your loss. Stay strong.

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  22. Oh Allie, I'm so so sorry to hear this. And I know how hard it is to make it through the day as a teacher not being able to be "off" for one minute of the day.

    YOu are in my thoughts today.

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  23. So sorry to hear this horrible news! This is just not fair. Thinking of you during this tough time.

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  24. Wish I had the words to take away your pain, sending you ((hugs)) filled with strength and courage x

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  25. My heart goes out to you both... I'm so terribly sorry to hear this news.

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  26. So sorry to hear your news. I know that words cannot possibly help but take good care of each other especially at this awful time. Thinking of you both K&J xxx

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  27. Dear Allie and Harris, such terrible sad news, I'm so sorry. Only time will take away some of the pain you are feeling. Thinking of you xxxx

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  28. We are so sorry for the lost. Words will not heal this cruel kick of the odds, but we hope time will help you to go through. Big hug

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  29. Allie & Harris, all our love to you both. It's heart-breaking and soul destroying when this happens. It also brings back the pain for me. I wish i could remove the heavy load, wipe the tears and mend your broken heart. All we can do is say we are all here and we all know what its like. Try and take a little comfort in that maybe. When the times right for you, find sonera way to say goodbye, that was so important for me. Love and tons of tlc, SR x

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  30. Allie & Harris,
    My heart brakes and tears well up in my eyes as I read this. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. My heart goes out to you.

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  31. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this - my heart goes out to you both.

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  32. Oh Allie, I have cold chills all over my body reading this. Sorry is just not enough, this is just devastating. It's a tough tough time we all have before we even get to surrogacy. Be kind to yourself, I remember feeling so many different feelings of shock, disbelief, anger and I just wanted to hide in bed all day. Such a cruel shock. Give yourself time and I hope when your ready you can try another plan.

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