About Me

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North Carolina, United States
(Allie & Harris) Wife, teacher, patient, thinker, friend, worrier, planner, seeker. These are the hats I wear on a daily basis for the roles in my life. Harris and I've been married since 1999 and we have two fur babies of the feline sort. We have a pretty good life, all things considered. But, it's not complete. Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of PCOS, a condition which has taken a toll on both my body and soul. It will not beat me though and we will be parents.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Secrecy and Infertility...

First, congrats to Kerri and Mark who are in India right now waiting for baby Alan to be born!  I'm so excited I feel like it's my own family that's getting a new member!  I guess maybe because this is the first baby that I have "watched" come into the world this way, it makes me hopeful and mushy all at the same time.  You guys are going to be great parents!!!  Thanks for letting me tag along on your journey!

Tonight I had a great chance to catch up with a friend who has been just as busy as I have this summer.  She is one of the few people that knows about my infertility struggle, and about both of the miscarriages.  After doing dinner and hitting the theatre to see a chick-flick, we sat in the driveway and talked for about an hour.  We've both been so busy that she and I haven't had time to connect in months. 

It got me thinking about all of the secrecy involved in this process of infertility and surrogacy.  I realize that it's a choice we each make, who to tell and when.  But, even then, isn't it for reasons of sheer emotional survival that we make the choice to keep some in the dark while letting others in on the details?  For Harris and I, we've always felt like we wanted to keep as much private as possible because we never wanted to grieve with others or give them comfort when our own hearts were breaking.  When we lost the first baby, we knew that we'd made the right decision.  Everything that's happened since then has reinforced that choice and we only question it in times that we know it's about to become difficult. 

That leads us to Christmas.  I am remembering to breathe, taking one thing at a time, and preparing to do my last round of injectible meds here this month.  But, if it doesn't work and we do go to India for treatment in December, how are we going to explain missing Christmas with our family?  That's tricky.  I can only hope that one day there's a baby they can hold as we are telling them all of this.  Isn't it amazing that the beginning of life (a baby) and the end of life (death) are able to change circumstances just by happening?  Seemingly, people at funerals develop a type of amnesia for anything negative related to that person.  Same thing happens when someone has a baby - suddenly, the good-for-nothing husband grows a few inches in stature and respect.  How does that happen? 

So, I'm thinking now of things that I can say which will be the least deceptive because it's not our intention to lie to anyone - especially our families, because we love them deeply.  It's a matter of self-preservation and trying to find the path of least resistance to get to where Kerri and Mark are right now.  Fingers crossed that our family and friends understand one day why we did what we did.  I figure there's still time to figure out Christmas. 

Breathing - in and out.


  1. Thanks for the honorable mention! We are thrilled to have you follow along!!! When your turn comes we will be following every step!

  2. Yes we struggle with who to tell and who not to tell. I was just going to tell both mum's and no one else then just before we left for India I got the guilt's and rang sibling's. I'm glad I did in one way but in another its tricky as they are all wanting to spill the beans already and its way too early. I wish people who have never lost babies would understand that we need to protect ourselves in order to survive. I guess it's difficult to put yourself in other's shoes.
    Best wishes Lucylu

  3. They're such difficult decisions - who to tell and when. Fortunately, India is an incredible country, and you can always use that as an excuse to visit. December is really the perfect time as the weather is a bit cooler, but definitely not cold. There will be lot's of travel options if you're using Delhi as home base. You'll definitely find other reasons to come here so that you can keep the big one to yourself.

    In any case, I wish you the best of luck with it!


  4. It is such a difficult decision. We have been extremely open with friends and family because of our long fertility struggle but work is another story. I received some questioning looks when I said we were going to vacation in India and of course, as luck would have it, my boss' daughter was in Delhi at the same time!

  5. I can really appreciate your sentiments. We've not told a sole - besides my parents and at the moment we're trying to come up with ingenious ways of why we will be travelling to India soon.
    In regards to the secrecy - I read an article about it just this week -

  6. Hey Saskia, that's a great article! Thanks for sharing! I shared it with some other friends struggling with this issue.